Willing to Try
by Allison'sGirlfriend
Summary: Companion piece to Witnesses. From the campaign through Roslynn from CJ's and Ron's POVs. A year or more in two people's lives. Disclaimer: I own nothing.
1. An Almost Beginning

Chapter One: An Almost Beginning

This is going to be interesting. He hasn't done this before. Well, not exactly this. He's been assigned to the Presidential detail for years. Sometimes, mostly the last couple years, he's been the Lead Agent. He's good at his job. Very good. And he loves it. Many people might find that strange. How could you love putting your life in danger for someone else? But, he's always wanted to serve his country. To protect the ideal of it. And he's good at this. Very good.

He doesn't let his personal feelings interfere with his duty. He's too professional for that. But, he's tired. He doesn't like this President. Doesn't share his ideas about what's good for the country. Doesn't like the stupid jokes. And he certainly doesn't approve of the women. He knows other presidents have wandered. And other Secret Service agents have held their tongues. But this guy, this President has taken it too far. And he can't, won't say anything about it.

He's glad these two terms are almost over. Glad he'll have a chance to work with someone new. He's tired. A lot of the other agents were surprised that he asked for the transfer. The Presidential detail is the best you can hope for as an agent. Why leave? Especially to protect a candidate who may not even make it to the White House. But, this President dislikes Ron Butterfield as much as Ron dislikes the President. So, it was an easy move. Let Malloy deal with it for a few months.

His new protectee is an interesting man. Ron's never seen a campaign like this before. So many young staffers. Such idealism. It's refreshing. And Jed Bartlet seems like a good man. An honest man. He certainly doesn't see this man cheating on his wife. This is definitely going to be interesting.

* * *

He feels invigorated. He's never enjoyed a detail as much as this. Not even his first tour on a Presidential detail. And that was thrilling. But, this. This is more than he could have hoped for. This is finally the real thing. He knows it's a cliché. He also knows that all these people on the campaign staff feel the same way.

They impress him as well. These bright, young, ardent supporters. He's gotten to know a few of them. He's separated them into the old guard and the new guard in his mind. He's surprised to have as much respect for the new as the old.

He'd met Leo McGarry before. He'd arranged for McGarry's file to be sealed when he was Labor Secretary. And doing a stint in rehab. Ron admires the man for fighting his demons. He looks to be winning the fight.

The Bartlets, he's decided are quite a team. The governor has a wealth of archaic knowledge that he seems overly eager to share with anyone and everyone. He has some good ideas, too. Dr. Bartlet, though it looks as if she'll become Mrs. Bartlet any day now, is one tough cookie. He's seen her lay into a staffer. But, he's seen her lavish praise for a job well done. And it's obvious her support of her husband is genuine. Not a political maneuver.

The new guard is another matter entirely. Quick to action, slow to discouragement. They make quite a team. At least the core of them. They compliment each other well.

Toby Ziegler is an amazing writer. He enjoys listening to the speeches. He comes across as gruff and pessimistic. But, Ron had a chance to have a drink with him, on a three-hour stop in Arizona. He found Toby to be a good man and a true idealist. He likes Toby a lot.

Sam Seaborn is the most earnest person he thinks he's ever met. So full of the desire to do well, to help out. He's not a bad writer either.

He didn't meet Josh Lyman until a few days after he'd joined the detail. Apparently Josh's father died during the Illinois Primary. And he was gone for four days. There's something about Josh that Ron doesn't quite understand. He has a haunted quality about him that Ron feels has more to it than just his father dying. But he works harder than any ten men Ron's come across.

He doesn't know what to think of Mandy Hampton. He's heard rumors about her and Josh. But, it seems so unlikely. She doesn't quite fit. He wonders how long she'll stay. He wouldn't bet on her staying the distance.

And then, there is CJ Cregg. He'll admit that she's the best looking woman he's seen in a long time. There is something exotic about her angles and her attitude. She's growing into her job. And she's doing well. But, there's something else there. Like she wants to prove she can play with the big boys, but she's unwilling to let them see how hard she tries. It's intriguing. She has a great sense of humor. And the most intoxicating laugh he's ever heard. He's only spoken to her a few times. It's enough for Ron to know that he wants to talk to her again. Soon.

* * *

She can't quite get used to the change. Everything is so different now. They're working for the candidate. Not just a candidate. That takes some getting used to. And so do these damn agents. She finds them unnerving. Like a harbinger of trouble. She tries not to think about the reasons they're here. She's getting better.

It might have something to do with the new head of the Governor's detail. Ron Butterfield strikes an impressive stance. He's taller than her, which is a welcome change of pace. He seems so serious all the time. But, she's spoken to him a few times. He's really quite funny. And he has a nice smile. And he does a mean impression of the current President. Always a plus.

She knows that most people assume she and Toby are together. He brought her into this. They've known each other forever. But, CJ can't understand why they think she would be sleeping with a married man. She did. Once. But, Toby had been almost certain that divorce was imminent. Andy had different plans. Which was just as well, because she remembered the pain they could cause each other. The pain they had caused.

It's been awhile since she's even dated. She misses that. And the flirting. She likes that. She thinks maybe she'll try to talk to Ron again. A little harmless flirting never hurt anyone. And he is attractive. She knows she's not likely to have time to meet anyone new. So, she may as well make the best of it. She wonders when she'll see him again. She hopes it's soon.

* * *

She's drunk. She knows that. It's reasonable, of course. They're moving into the White House tomorrow. CJ still can't believe it. She's Press Secretary to the President of the United States. Wow.

She's lost track of which ball they are attending now. She remembers the first two quite vividly. But then, the next few seem to blur. She's not bothered. It's Inauguration Day. A day for celebration. And she's willing to admit she's done perhaps more than her fair share.

CJ's standing next to Toby. They are watching Josh make an idiot out of himself. He and Sam are arguing about... well, something. She doesn't quite remember what it was. But, neither one of them are making much sense. She's laughing. Even Toby is laughing. This is quite possibly the best night of her life.

She looks around at all the people having a good time. The women are dazzling in their gowns. The men, quite dashing in their tuxedos. Everyone is smiling. CJ promises herself that she will remember this night. Remember the feeling of pure happiness. She knows she'll never forget the struggle to get here. It's been the greatest ride of her life.

She decides that she needs some air. Just a little fresh air to clear her head. She goes out of the ballroom and heads for the patio doors she thinks she remembers seeing earlier. The cold night air hits her like a physical force when she steps outside. She takes a deep breath.

He sees her come outside. She looks ravishing. Not for the first time Ron finds himself a little in awe in her presence. She really is a remarkable person. He's glad he's gotten the chance to talk to her a couple of times during the campaign. She is definitely engaging.

CJ turns to walk towards the fountain. And she stops. Ron is standing not five feet from her. She wonders how she had missed him when she first came out. He's dressed in a tuxedo, just like the rest of the agents. She thinks he looks better than them, though.

"CJ, how are you doing tonight?"

"I'm doing extremely well, thank you. How about you, Ron?"

"I'm fine, thank you."

He pauses. He thinks that he should be on his way. He's turned over his watch to Bowman and he's done for the night. But, he doesn't want to leave her here. Doesn't seem able to take his eyes off her.

"You look beautiful, CJ. That's quite a dress."

"Why, thank you."

CJ starts to do a little pirouette for him, but the champagne catches up with her. So she does a most ungraceful half turn and reaches out blindly for support. She feels him grab hold of her. She feels steady.

"I... that was... thank you."

Ron tries not to do it. He knows she's been drinking. But he can't help it. He laughs. He continues to hold her upright. And, God help him, he laughs right in her face. And she amazes him again. Because she starts laughing too. It's definitely the most inviting sound he's ever heard.

"You think I should try for the Bolshoi?"

"CJ, I think maybe you're better suited for Press Secretary."

She laughs again and nods her head in agreement. She steps back to let him know that she's capable of standing on her own again. And almost immediately he lets go. She misses the weight of his hands on her hips.

"I should... you probably have to... I should let you get back to work."

"I'm done. I was just getting ready to go home."

"You're not coming to the party?"

"No. It's been a rather long day."

"I suppose this is old hat for you."

"Well, a bit. But, I don't think I've enjoyed an inauguration as much as this one, CJ."

She smiles. And it lights up her entire face. He knows the moment is fading. He wishes he could think of someway of prolonging it. But, he sees Toby come to the door.

"Hey Ron. CJ, come on. We have to get to the... I have no idea where we're going, but we're leaving for the next one. Let's go."

"I'll be right there, Toby. Go get my wrap. Please?"

"Yeah, okay. But hurry."

Ron watches Toby go back inside. Ron wonders about the relationship between CJ and Toby. He's seen enough to know that she's the only one he'll take orders from. But, he also knows that Toby is married. He guesses they've been friends for a long time though. Ron realizes that as he's been thinking about this, CJ has been staring at him. He smiles.

"I guess we're leaving."

"Well, you have a nice night, CJ. Enjoy yourself."

"Thanks. I'll see you around."

But, she doesn't turn. She stays in the same place. Just looking at him. He doesn't know what's come over him. He's not this sort of person. Before he's even aware he's doing it, he's pulled CJ close to him. He leans in. And kisses her. Hard.

She wasn't sure what was going on as he pulled her to him. But, CJ is fully aware right now. She reaches up to the back of Ron's neck with one hand and grabs a fist full of his jacket with the other. The kiss is intense.

Finally the need for air causes them both to separate a few inches. Ron takes her face in his hands and kisses her forehead.

"You needed to get going, remember?"

CJ nods. She lets go of him and brushes imaginary wrinkles out of her gown. She's gone three steps before Ron's voice causes her to turn back.

"CJ, the door is over there."

"Right."

CJ goes in the opposite direction she was heading. When she reaches the door, she looks over her shoulder at him. She gives a shy wave and heads inside.

Definitely the best inauguration, Ron thinks. And he smiles the entire way home.

End of Chapter One


	2. A Real Beginning

Chapter Two: A Real Beginning

He's not sure exactly what he's doing. Well, that's not entirely true. He knows that he's made the adjustments to the detail. He's got extra agents around the President. And he's already changed the schedule for the next three days to allow for the additional number on the detail, as is required by the military action the President has taken against Syria. It's what he's doing standing in the hallway that makes him unsure.

It's been well over a year since he kissed CJ at one of the Inauguration balls. He hasn't forgotten a single detail of their encounter. But, he's fairly certain that she didn't even remember it the next morning. She was, he will admit, a little drunk. And he knows that she was on her way to more balls where she probably consumed even more. So, he's not really hurt that they never discussed it. But. Every time he sees her he has the desire to know her better. To talk to her about everything. And, as old-fashioned as it seems, he'd like the chance to woo her.

Ron knows that he is not what most women would consider suave. He's not un-experienced. But, his chosen career is not that appealing to most women. He can count on one hand the number of dates he's had in the last couple years. He likes to think that CJ might be different. She works for the President. She understands this lifestyle. So, he's hopeful. And, standing in the hallway. He wants to catch CJ before she leaves for the night.

The President made his television address a couple of hours ago. CJ is in the pressroom now. He had heard from Carol that this would be the last one for the night. So, he's waiting for her to come out of the pressroom. He takes a couple deep breaths and chides himself for acting like a nervous teenager.

He sees CJ well before she sees him. She has her head bent over a folder and she's talking to Carol as she heads for her office. When she finally raises her head, she smiles at him. It's a genuine smile, Ron thinks, and it gives him the last bit of courage he needed. He clears his throat.

"CJ, I was wondering, if you had a minute, I'd like to talk to you."

She seems a little puzzled. He guesses she's trying to figure out what Secret Service measures she needs to be aware of for her next briefing. But, she nods and invites him into her office. He follows behind Carol. When he's stepped into her office he notes the raised eyebrows as he closes the door.

"What can I do for you, Ron?"

"Uh, well, CJ, this is a... . Well, it's a personal request."

"Okay."

Ron is momentarily stopped by the way she elongates the word. He finds it quite charming. He realizes he must truly be smitten by her if one word can take him off on a tangent in his mind. And, he realizes that he's been staring at her for a full minute while she's been waiting for him to talk.

"I was wondering if you would like to have dinner with me?"

"Tonight?"

"Well, whenever you have a chance. I know you've got a busy schedule and... ."

"I'd like that. Tonight?"

"Uh... yeah. Tonight is good."

"Just give me about twenty minutes to wrap some things up here?"

"Of course. I'll be back in twenty minutes."

Ron leaves her office and can't help the smile that won't seem to go away. Now, he just has to find something to do for the next twenty minutes.

~*~

Ron is sitting at his desk. He's going over the latest threat watch. Technically he's off duty. But, he and CJ are having dinner again tonight. And, he finds it easiest just to stay at the White House until she's ready. This will be their fifth dinner. Though, it's really their eighth attempt. He chuckles at the thought that he's found the one woman whose schedule is even more unpredictable than his.

He thinks he's gotten to know a side of CJ that most of the people who work here don't even know exist. He's sure the senior staff has seen it. Knows, after what she's told him, that Toby has definitely seen it. But, he likes seeing her in a different light. He finds the softer side just as intriguing as the strong side she shows at work.

He feels immeasurably better about their kiss at the Inauguration now. He was surprised that she remembered. Even more stunned that she brought it up at their first dinner. He found her embarrassment quite sweet. And he understands her reasons for pretending that it had never happened. He had told her as much. It must have been difficult, coming into the White House as a complete unknown and trying to get the respect of the press corps. A group of people he isn't quite sure knows the meaning of that word. So, trying to have any sort of relationship at that time, he admits would have been a mistake. He was relieved, though, to find that she remembered the kiss fondly. Of course, there had been many more kisses now to rival the memory.

He is nervous about their dinner tonight. Not so much the dinner part. He is a great cook, if he does say so himself. But, he's taking her to his apartment. He knows how he would like the evening to end. But, it's been awhile. And this is CJ, the most extraordinary woman he's ever dated. He's nervous he'll embarrass himself.

His phone rings and he picks it up, grateful for the interruption of his thoughts. It's CJ. She's ready to go. He hangs up and puts the threat watch back in its folder.

"Showtime, old man."

~*~

CJ is sitting on his sofa with her legs curled under her. Her shoes are lying half-hazardly under the coffee table. She's nursing the same glass of wine she's had for the last hour. And she's telling him for the third time the joke she made about Toby's internet stock. He realizes that she's nervous.

"CJ, it really is a funny story. But, that's the third time you've told me."

"It is?"

"Yeah. Listen, I invited you here for dinner. There doesn't have to be anything more than that. So, if it will make you feel better, I can take you home right now."

Ron is surprised to realize that what he's said is true. He thought for sure he knew how he wanted this night to go. But, he understands now that CJ's feelings are more important to him than his own. That gives him a start. And, he's relieved to get it out there.

"I... . Ron, I'd like to stay."

She says it so quietly that he can't fully trust that he heard her correctly.

"I'm sorry CJ, I didn't... did you... ?"

"I'd like to stay. It's just... it's been awhile. And, as you know, the last time was Toby. So, it's been a really long time with somebody... new."

"We can go slowly."

She nods her head just as he makes his way to the sofa. He takes her head in his hands and kisses her deeply. Slowly exploring her mouth. He pulls back and brushes her hair off her face. He kisses her ear, her neck, and starts a trail of kisses down her throat. He feels her fingers at the back of his neck and his side. He thinks he's never felt anything more amazing.

He's not sure who he is when he's with her, because he finds himself doing outrageous things he would normally never consider. This, for instance, is definitely out of the ordinary. He's scooped her up off the sofa and he's carrying her to his bedroom. He thinks if she weren't so busy kissing his throat that she might be laughing.

He lays her gently on his bed. The light from the hallway and the streetlight shining through the open curtain provide more than enough illumination. He kisses her again, marveling at the softness of her lips. His hands roam the angles and curves of her body. A hand on his chest stops him and he pulls back.

"Ron, I'm not... do you have... ?"

"Yeah, CJ. I've got some."

She smiles and he can see her struggling to hold in the laughter. So he does the only thing a gentleman can, he laughs first. Some of the tension has left and they both laugh for a few more minutes. He thinks he'll tell her later that he finds her laugh the most potent of aphrodisiacs, but he's too busy now helping her undress.

~*~

He's lying in bed with CJ curled against him. He's stroking her hair. Her hands are wandering the planes of his stomach. He thinks this is the most comfortable he's ever felt with another woman. It has to be. Otherwise, he would be dying of embarrassment.

"Ron, are you okay?"

"Yeah. I was just thinking that."

"What?"

"I was thinking how comfortable this feels. That's you. I think any other woman would have been out the door an hour ago."

She moves up so her face is level with his. She folds her hands over his shoulder and makes herself at home.

"It happens. There's nothing to be ashamed of. Besides, you... uh... made up for it."

"You are very cute, CJ, when you blush like that."

His reward is a swat on the arm. He laughs again. And flips her over before she realizes what he's doing. He's pinned her to the mattress and is looking into her eyes.

"That's not fair. That's some Secret Service trick."

"Yeah, CJ, 'cause the Secret Service trains us how to do things in bed."

It's her turn to laugh now. But, she stops quickly when he moves his mouth down her collarbone. His mouth finds it's way to her breast. He kisses the underside and she takes a deep breath.

"Does this mean... ?"

"Yeah. I was thinking we could try it again."

And his hand is already going for the box of condoms on the dresser. But, she twists under his body and manages to grab the box first. He watches her eyes as she opens the foil packet and tosses the wrapping aside. His eyes never leave hers as she puts the condom on for him. In fact, his eyes never leave hers until she closes them later. As she shudders beneath him. And keeps them closed as she falls asleep. And it is another hour before he finally closes his eyes in slumber as well.

End of Chapter Two


	3. A Ridiculous Looking Bird

Chapter Three: A Ridiculous Looking Bird

She's been on a high for weeks now. She knows it's ridiculous. But, she feels seventeen again. Except that at seventeen nothing had ever felt this good. It's been two weeks since she first stayed the night with Ron. She's high on this new relationship. It's better than she hoped for.

Even her talk with Toby hadn't dampened the high. He had been almost shy the day after Chili Night. He hadn't broached the subject. In fact, he'd skirted the issue all day, doing a pretty good job of avoiding her. CJ knew he was a little hurt. But, it had more to do with pride than anything else. She knows that she and Toby will always have this thing between them. Where they love each other, but hate each other when they're supposed to be in love. They are much better as friends. And, they both know it.

Toby had told her that he was happy for her. If she was. And he likes Ron, so he doesn't feel the need to hurt her new boyfriend. She had laughed at that. Toby had finally admitted that really, he'd have to find someone to hurt this boyfriend. Because, yes, his chances fighting with a Secret Service agent probably weren't that good. But, he could do it if necessary. She had kissed his cheek for that.

CJ felt relieved that Toby had agreed with her about not making this public. She knows it's not a conflict of interest. Their jobs are too far removed to be an issue. But, it's not something the press needs to know. She imagines the horrid stories in the papers about their romance. And shudders. She's also aware that she doesn't have the best track record when it comes to relationships. So, it's better to keep this under wraps. For now.

She's looking forward to going out tonight with Josh and Sam. It should be interesting if nothing else. And, she admits, it's been awhile since she went out with her friends. She doesn't have that much spare time to begin with. And spending it with Ron has been more important to her. So, it works out well that he's working tonight. And who knows, maybe after he's done, he'll come by her place. She smiles at the thought.

~*~

They are playing poker. And for once, she's winning. She's having a good time. It would be great, but she still has that slight taste of adrenaline in the back of her throat. Tonight had not gone the way she had hoped. It had started off fun. But, seeing the agents rushing in the door and taking Zoey away had definitely ended the fun part of the evening.

She knows that no real harm was done. And she's kept up her appearance as unflappable. Joking with the President about Josh being in trouble. But, there is a part of her still unnerved. Toby had taken her aside after he had seen the vote end. She knew he could tell that the night had upset her a little. But, she didn't want to talk about it with him. He seemed so pleased with the vote. And Congressman Willis. She didn't want to reduce his good humor in any way. So, she played cards.

She's dealing a new hand when Ron steps into the room to talk to the President. She tries to not look at him. Just lets him move in the corner of her eye. She sees Toby make that smug look at her and kicks him under the table. Smiles slightly to apologize if she kicked him too hard. She wins this hand as well.

The trivia is starting to drive her a little crazy. She thought it had been bad the last time. But, now the President is focused on American playwrights, a subject she's not that familiar with in the first place. Now, she knows more than she ever wanted to know. A movement outside Leo's office catches her attention. She watches Ron walk by. She smiles and plays her hand. Wins again.

She's dealing another hand when she sees him walk by again. She plays the hand and loses to Josh. She allows him the small victory whoop. Tells them she has a couple things to finish up and then she's going home. Ignores Josh's teasing, he did good tonight and she'll let him have this. Takes more money than she brought in and heads for her office. She's stopped before she gets there by a hand catching her wrist. She's pulled into a broom closet.

She kisses Ron hard. And let's out a breath she feels she's been holding all night. She sighs and waits for him to speak first.

"How are you, CJ?"

"I'm fine."

"Really?"

"Yeah. I mean... yeah."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"I... yeah. Actually, I do. But, not here. Later."

"I have some paperwork I need to finish before I leave tonight. I could meet you... ."

"No. I'll wait for you, Ron. If that's okay?"

"Of course it is."

Another kiss and she follows him out of the closet. She goes downstairs with him and watches silently as he finishes up for the night. When he's done, they head up to her office to collect her things. They are almost there when she hears Josh call her name. She steps away from Ron almost awkwardly. Lies to Josh about getting information about Zoey's new detail. Ron says she can come to him anytime and she smiles at him. She knows that he'll meet her at her car outside. She talks briefly to Josh, dodging his questions. Then she gets her purse, but leaves her briefcase. She won't be doing anymore work tonight. Ron is waiting for her at the car.

~*~

She's lying next to Ron. She feels like a weight has been lifted. He had insisted on talking about the incident with Zoey at the bar as soon as they had entered her apartment. She's glad he did. He had reassured her more than she thought possible. He had made her feel safe. Even though she hadn't really felt unsafe before. She likes that. His ability to make her feel things that she's never really felt in any relationship before.

They are equals in this. And that is something new. She feels like herself with him. He lets her keep control where she needs it. He likes her independence. And, he doesn't try to change her. He understands what is important to her. He says that's part of her charm. He doesn't expect her to lean on him. But, he's there if she does. She's pretty sure she's in love with him. And for once in her life, the thought doesn't scare her.

She turns over and kisses his cheek. Ron turns as well so that he's facing her.

"I thought you were almost asleep."

"I am. I was. I was just thinking... about you."

"Oh?"

"Yeah. I... I love you, Ron. I just thought you should know."

She looks away from him. There, she's finally said it.

He lifts her chin so she is forced to look at him. She smiles shyly at the look on his face.

"I love you too, CJ. I have for a while now. I just wasn't sure you wanted to hear it."

She kisses him again. He rubs her back. Finally, Ron shifts so that he is on his back again. CJ puts her head on his shoulder. And falls asleep, feeling his steady heartbeat beneath her cheek.

~*~

Her head is pounding. Her entire body aches. She knows she's running a fever. She's miserable. And there is nothing she can do about it. Her next briefing is in an hour. She takes another three Advil with her cold coffee. She curses Hogan. Of course, she knows that it's not really her niece's fault. It's not like Hogan wanted to be sick either. But, it is her niece that passed this flu onto her. And someone should have to pay for the way she feels now.

She hears a flurry of activity outside her office. She thinks she should probably get up and see what's going on. But, she doesn't have the energy to pick her head up from her desk. Her door opens and she sees the President standing in her doorway. Damn. She pushes herself up to a standing position, leaning heavily on the desk. She sees two agents behind President Bartlet. She flushes under Ron's scrutiny.

"Mr. President. What can I do for you?"

"Go home."

"I'm sorry, Sir?"

"Go home, Claudia Jean. You're sick. You should rest."

"Sir, I have a briefing in a few minutes... ."

"That somebody else can do for you. There's nothing pressing that won't wait a few days. Go home and get better. We're leaving for the farm the day after tomorrow anyway. So, I don't want to see you in this building until next week."

She wants to argue. Feels like she should. But, her head is swimming. She wants very much to be able to sit down again. Maybe lie down. That would be good.

"Okay. Thank you, Sir."

Ron steps into the room.

"Mr. President, I don't think CJ should drive herself home. She doesn't look up to it."

Oh great. Just what you want to hear from your boyfriend. She giggles at the thought and realizes that the fever must be getting pretty high if she's becoming giddy.

"Ron, will you take her home then?"

"Yes, Sir."

"Get her address from Carol. Just in case."

The President turns and walks through the door, shaking his head at the still giggling CJ. He turns back and smiles.

"Feel better, CJ. And have a nice Thanksgiving."

She takes two deep breaths to regain control.

"Thank you, Sir. You too."

Once the President has left she slumps back into her chair. She watches as Ron gathers her things and steps out to speak with Carol. She smiles when he comes back in and says that he has her address now, so they can leave. She leans heavily on him as he takes her to his car. She dozes on the short ride to her apartment, but wakes when the car stops. She lets Ron guide her inside and take her to the bedroom. She collapses on the bed and barely moves as Ron removes her clothing. She falls asleep on top of the comforter.

She sleeps for most of the next two days. Waking only briefly to take medicine and drink water. Sometimes Ron is there when she wakes. She doesn't realize that he sleeps both nights on her couch. Just in case.

~*~

She's feeling better. Still not well. But the fever has gone. And, the aches are almost gone. She's hungry for the first time in two days and she takes that as a good sign. She decides to take a shower before eating though.

Stepping out of the shower she feels almost human again. She brushes her teeth. She puts on an old Berkley sweatshirt and some clean pajama pants. She's putting the dirty clothes in the hamper when she hears the humming. She smiles and goes out to the kitchen to find Ron at her stove.

"Hey."

"Well, hey there yourself, Flamingo girl. How are you feeling?"

She narrows her eyes and unconsciously rubs her neck with one hand. Her voice is dangerously low.

"What did you just call me?"

"Flamingo girl."

She puts her hands on her hips and waits for him to turn around. After a moment he does. She watches him mentally assess his options. His hands go up in mock surrender.

"Okay. I know. 'Girl' was not the right word. But, Flamingo Woman sounds silly, don't you think?"

She wants to smile at him for being worried about the 'girl' part. But, she's still pissed about the 'Flamingo'.

"Why did you call me a flamingo? That is a ridiculous looking bird."

"You're mad about 'flamingo'? Why? I think they are lovely birds."

He's smirking. And stepping towards her. She takes a step back. She's not letting go of this yet.

"Why would I remind you of a flamingo? My neck is not that long!"

She puts her hand to her neck again and looks away.

"CJ, you're neck is perfect. You just remind me of a flamingo when you sleep. I think it's cute."

She looks at him questioningly and shrugs. He steps towards her again and places his hands on her shoulders.

"CJ, you do know that when you sleep on your side you look just like a flamingo. Right?"

She shakes her head, but doesn't answer him more.

"Really? 'Cause when you sleep on your side, you keep one leg straight and the other leg is bent and raised. Just like a flamingo. Except they do it standing up."

She shakes her head and sighs. She thinks perhaps she is too sensitive about her neck. She can't believe she didn't see what he meant. She gives him a lopsided grin.

"It's still a ridiculous looking bird."

"Whatever you say, Flamingo."

He kisses the top of her head and goes back to the stove. He stirs the saucepan while he asks her how she's feeling. He smiles when she says she feels human again. He tells her he figured she'd was feeling better when he heard the shower running. She goes to the stove and looks to see what he's cooking.

"Ah... soup."

"Chicken broth, actually. I thought it would be the best thing for you since you haven't eaten for days. I almost made turkey broth, but that just didn't sound right."

She laughs.

"Oh, I made you dessert too."

"I suppose I shouldn't get my hopes up for pumpkin pie."

"No, but it is in the holiday spirit."

"Really? What?"

"Cranberry Jell-O."

"They actually make that?"

"Yeah. I was a little surprised by that too. Why don't you get comfortable on the couch and I'll bring you your soup. Ginger ale sound okay?"

"Yeah. Thank you."

She curls up on the couch and throws the afghan over her legs. She smiles at the thought that he watches her sleep. Enough to come up with a nickname for her. He brings the soup and Jell-O out to the living room. They eat and watch an old movie on TV. She doesn't resist when he suggests she go back to bed. But, he joins her soon after. And he smiles when she thanks him for a nice Thanksgiving. She falls asleep and misses the smirk on Ron's face when she bends her leg, much like a certain bird.

End of Chapter Three


	4. Tis the Season

Chapter Four: 'Tis The Season

He sits at his desk, quite pleased with himself. He knows that it's ridiculous. "A ridiculous looking bird", she had said. She's so beautiful when she sleeps. Hell, she's beautiful all the time. But, so peaceful when she sleeps. Most of the time. And here he is again. Taken completely off-track by thoughts of CJ. He really needs to reign himself in. Except there isn't much pressing business to attend to now. So, a little harmless meandering won't hurt.

He takes the list he's made and gives it to Harrow. They'll start using the new codenames tomorrow. He wonders if he should tell her. Warn her. No, better to have it be a surprise. He can picture the look on her face. Surprised, and a little naughty. He really is taken with this woman. He signs out for the day and shuts down his computer. It's time to go home. He calls upstairs and discovers that she's ready to go.

Ron likes the holidays. Always has. But, this year they bring an unexpected advantage. CJ's office isn't nearly as busy as usual. So, they've been able to spend more evenings together than not. He drives to her apartment and waits on the front steps for her. He contemplates going in. She'd given him the key just after Thanksgiving. But, it still seems a bit presumptuous to him. He'll give her another thirty minutes. She had said she was on her way out. Another thirty minutes and then he's going to use his key. It's freezing out and the wind is picking up.

He watches as she parks the car. Appreciates the view as she bends over to pick up the purse she dropped as he walks over to help her with the bags.

"What the hell are you doing out here?"

"I was waiting for you."

"It's a hundred below. Are you crazy?"

He laughs and reminds her that if it really were a hundred below they would be dead. She shakes her head and laughs as she hands over a couple of bags.

"Besides, I thought you were on your way."

She ducks her head as she puts the key in the lock and opens the door. She waits until they are in the elevator, heading for her floor before she responds.

"I got dinner. I don't have anything in the fridge and I thought you might be hungry."

"Do you ever have anything in your refrigerator?"

That earns him a smack on the arm. But, he doesn't mind. She unlocks her door and hits the light switch. He follows her into the kitchen and places the bags of food on the counter.

"Uh, CJ? Are you expecting more people for dinner?"

"No. Why?"

"Well, you've got enough food here for five people."

"I couldn't make up my mind. So, I just got a little of everything. Besides, this way I'll have some food here. At least for a couple of days."

She smiles shyly as she grabs plates and utensils. He turns her to him once she's put the plates down and kisses her softly. She returns the kiss and almost snuggles into his embrace.

"Ron, you know I'm not interested in you just for your cooking skills, right?"

He laughs and holds her another minute.

"Well, I was starting to wonder."

She laughs as well. He helps her pull out the containers of Thai food and they help their plates. They talk about their childhoods during dinner. No matter how many things Ron finds out about her, he's always anxious to know more. He is fascinated by her.

Later, as they are both drifting off to sleep, he asks her about Christmas. He thinks she probably wants to spend it with Tom and his family. She adores Hogan and tries to see her as often as she can. He's sorry to find out that they are going to spend it in Napa with the rest of the family.

"You could probably get a flight out on Christmas eve."

"Yeah. But, it's not worth it. I have too much to do here. I could only go for a couple of days anyway."

"And it has nothing to do with your father bringing his new girlfriend?"

"No. Okay, maybe. I just... I never liked her. She was the worst teacher I had. And now, only a year after divorcing Number Two, he's bringing Molly for Christmas. It's too much. It's... she's not part of the family."

"CJ, it's okay. You don't have to justify it to me."

"I know."

"They're going to miss you. And you're going to miss them."

"Yeah."

"Do you know what you're going to do?"

"No. I'll probably end up at Josh's playing poker."

"You could be with me."

"In Manchester? Are you nuts? You don't think that would be obvious, me trailing after you?"

"I don't have to go with the President."

"You don't?"

"No. I'd much rather be here with you. I can request Christmas off. It is one of the perks of being the head of the detail."

"I'd like that."

"Well, then it's settled. But, I think we should have Christmas at my place. It would take too much to get your kitchen stocked in time. And since I'll have to cook anyway... ."

He's stopped by an elbow gently hitting him in the ribs. She's laughing though, so he knows he hasn't offended her. And it's nice to hear the laughter. He knows, even without seeing her in the darkness of the bedroom that she was close to tears talking about her father. He rubs her back as she kisses his cheek. And sleep comes easily soon after.

~*~

The White House isn't the largest building in the world. But, there are over a hundred people who work here. He's not sure why, but it still amazes him how fast gossip spreads here. Like wildfire.

She's pissed. Or so he's heard. They started using the new codenames today. Apparently CJ had hear hers and flipped out. She's been complaining to almost everyone upstairs. At least, that's what Jaime had said. He'd also warned Ron to be expecting a visit. CJ's said she's going to talk to someone. And that would be him.

He's not sure when she'll come see him. He left a message on her cell phone. He saw her briefing. Knows she's upset about Lowell Lydell. Ron's pretty busy organizing the last-minute preparations for the detail going to Manchester. But, he tries to catch her briefings whenever he can. He hopes they'll have a chance to talk about it later.

Ron watches her last briefing. He hasn't had the chance to see her today. Lowell Lydell died. It takes an almost physical effort to force the bile down. To not give in to the disgust he feels right now. Most of the agents are reacting the same way. He supposes it's part of what makes them good at their jobs. The desire to protect. To defend. Young Mr. Lydell didn't have anyone there to defend him. And it makes Ron sick. He can see that it makes CJ sick too. She's good at covering it. Most probably wouldn't even notice. But, most haven't seen her at five am, fresh out of the shower either. He smiles slightly at that and feels immeasurably better.

~*~

He's worried. And more than a little upset. He hates feeling like the jealous boyfriend. But, that's exactly how he feels. He knows now that CJ must have been really mad about "Flamingo". Probably still is. He hasn't spoken to her since yesterday morning. When they left for work in separate cars.

He had hoped to talk to her about Lowell Lydell. And to see if she was really as mad as he'd been lead to believe. But she didn't answer her cell. And he didn't want to leave a message with Carol. So, he kept leaving messages. And then, when he was ready to leave and possibly go find her to talk, Leo had called.

It had been a bizarre request. He couldn't figure out why Leo had wanted Josh and Sam followed in the first place. Let alone "off the record". Until he ran the address where they ended up. He knew who she was. CJ had told him about it months ago. Of course, he never let on to Leo that he knew who this woman was. It wouldn't be right to betray CJ's trust that way. So he had delivered the information to a furious Chief of Staff. Ron couldn't help but wonder what could be that important that they would try to use Sam's friend that way.

He does know that CJ had invited Sam and Josh for dinner. And he knows why they turned her down. He wonders about how much she wants to avoid him if she's trying to make other plans. And he worries a little more. He can't believe that this might be the end for them. He loves CJ too much to let go without a fight. But, he can't very well fight if she won't speak to him.

And now he's heard from Mike that CJ is going to dinner tonight with the reporter. He didn't need to ask which one. The guy gave her a fish for crying out loud. He had tried not to be jealous of that. He had. And CJ had been pretty persuasive in showing him that he had nothing to worry about. But now.

His thoughts are interrupted by the slamming of a door in the outer office. The familiar clicking of her heels assures him that his guess was correct. And now CJ is standing in his doorway, hands on hips, glaring.

"Good afternoon, CJ. And how are you today?"

"Don't. Don't even try to be nice to me. How could you? Just answer me that. How could you?!"

He steps away from his desk and closes the door. He's sure this argument will turn less than professional quickly. And that's not something the other agents need to hear. No matter how much they might enjoy it.

"Can I assume we are discussing your new codename?"

He can almost feel the anger radiating from her body. He knows enough to know that she's pumped herself up for this fight. And now she's ready to start spitting nails.

"Codename my ass! What, you thought it was funny? Show everyone you're getting it on with the Press Secretary? I can't believe I was so wrong about you."

"CJ. You need to calm down a little. I don't think this is something you want the rest of the building to hear."

"Why not? You went ahead and announced it didn't you? Did everybody down here get a good laugh about the way I sleep?"

She's pacing now. He can't believe she would come down here and yell at him like this. And then. Her words penetrate his own anger and hurt feelings. He hears what she's said. And it hurts even more than the punch in the gut of her going to dinner with Concannon.

"My God, CJ. Did you honestly think that I told anyone why I chose that name?"

He stands staring at her. She stops the back and forth motion and looks at him. Looks in his eyes. She slumps into his guest chair and shakes her head.

"I don't know. I just... why?"

"I know that you want to keep our relationship a secret. And I agree with you. But, I don't like having to keep such a distance all the time. I thought... I don't know. I thought it would be our own special thing. I thought every time you heard it you would remember how much I love you. I was wrong."

She sits up. Her back straight as a board. She blinks several times, trapping the tears before they can fall.

"I'm an idiot."

It's almost a whisper. And she stands as soon as it's out of her mouth. Comes to a stop in front of him. Close, and nearly touching.

"Ron, I thought... . I thought you were... which was wrong. You're not that kind of person. It startled me. Hearing that from someone else. I jumped to conclusions. The wrong conclusions, obviously. I'm sorry."

"I should have told you first. I thought it would be this great surprise. I'm the idiot."

He places his hands on her shoulders and looks into her eyes.

"But CJ, you have to remember that I'm not them. I'm not Ben or Tad or even Toby. I would never do that to you. I know, Toby wasn't like them either. You don't have to defend him to me. But, I'm not him either. I won't ever hurt you intentionally. It would help, if you could remember that more often."

He smiles to try and soften the blow of his words. He can see that he's partially successful. She relaxes. The muscles under his hands lose some of their tension.

"Yeah. There's a reason my dating record isn't so stellar. And picking the wrong guy wasn't always the only one. Just, do me a favor okay? No more surprises."

"I think I've learned my lesson. Believe me."

"So, what do you think?"

He tilts his head. He has no idea what she's talking about now.

"It's our first fight, Ron. How do you think we did?"

"Could have been worse."

She laughs that low, throaty laugh and he can almost see the weight being lifted from her body. He hugs her then. Tightly. And kisses her ear.

"So, I can still come for Christmas, right?"

"Yeah. But, I know you have plans tonight."

He can't keep all the bitterness from his voice. She pulls back. Stung. He regrets it immediately. But, if they're having their first fight, they might as well go for broke.

"I was pissed. I was wrong, but there you have it. It was stupid. I'll cancel it. As soon as I go upstairs. I was trying... ."

"To get back at me?"

"Yeah. I'm sorry."

"Me too."

She pulls him towards her and holds his face in her hands.

"I love you, Ronald Butterfield. Just you."

"I know, Claudia."

"Yeah, okay. We'll stick with Ron."

They laugh then. And he thinks it's the lightest he's felt in days. And he knows it to be true. He walks her back toward her office. Stops in the corridor, remembering something he needs to take to Leo. So, he whispers in her ear that he's thinking of having extra agents assigned to the west wing, just to hear "Flamingo" come over his earpiece. She laughs again and he knows that things are just as they should be. He tells her to call him when she's ready to go.

~*~

He can't believe how many people are out shopping on Christmas Eve. He forgets sometimes that he and CJ are not the only ones who don't have time to go to a grocery store on a normal basis. He's pleased that he was able to get everything for tomorrow. He thinks CJ will enjoy this Christmas dinner. He wonders how CJ is doing with the pathetically lopsided tree they had found on the way home.

He doesn't have to wonder long. He opens the door to the most amazing sight. CJ is dancing around his living room. Singing at the top of her lungs, "Gypsies, Tramps, and Thieves" as she throws tinsel half-hazardly over the stunted limbs of the fir. It's intoxicating. He stops dead in his tracks and watches for a moment. Until she twirls and sees him. He smiles and enters the apartment.

"How long have you been watching?"

"Long enough for your voice to get low and sexy on the line about the men laying their money down."

He waggles his eyebrows and she laughs. She throws the last of the tinsel at the tree and helps him unload the groceries.

"There wasn't much I could do with the tree. Sorry."

"No, it looks good. Especially all those clumps of tinsel in odd places."

She swats his arm and looks appraisingly at the tree in the other room.

"She was right, I guess. My grandmother. When I was little, she would come over when we trimmed the tree. My brothers and I hated it because she would never let us throw the tinsel. Always made us put it on one string at a time. I never understood that. This is the first tree I've decorated since. And I was feeling rebellious."

She smiles that sexy smile that melts his insides every time.

"Well in that case, it's the most beautiful tree I've ever seen, CJ."

She kisses him then. Swiftly and passionately. And there is nothing he wants more than to forget about the groceries. But, there are things that could spoil and he forces himself to step back.

"I need to get this stuff in the fridge first. You're done with the tree, right?"

"Yeah."

She helps him put everything away. Faster than ever before and soon she is in his arms again. They head for the bedroom, but CJ stops him. Tells him to turn out the lights. When he has she plugs in the Christmas tree. The lights surrounding the tree start blinking. It really is the best tree he's ever seen. Even if that makes him feel a little like Charlie Brown. She stands there, illuminated by the twinkling lights and he knows they won't make it to the bedroom. At least not right away.

He takes two steps forward. Unbuttoning his shirt already. He watches her take a deep breath. He sheds the shirt and tosses it in the general direction of the bedroom. He kicks off his shoes in the next two steps. Then he stops. Watches her unbutton her jeans. He follows their progress down her impossibly long legs with his eyes. She steps out of them with more grace than he could ever hope for. Her sweater goes over her head in a quick movement that increases his pulse. He steps out of his pants and grabs the blanket she'd left on his couch the last time she was here. He puts it on the floor, next to the blinking lights and the scent of fir. His boxers are the last to go. And then he stands. Watching. He loves watching her. She is so beautiful, so sexy. Her bra and underwear join his shorts, somewhere. And he's holding her. Kissing her, touching her.

He would like to be suave. Place her on the floor in some elegant fashion. But, they are both too tall and too old for gymnastics of that sort. So he contents himself with holding out his hand for support as she gets on her knees. He joins her and kisses her again. Tasting the coffee she must have had before he came home. Their tongues duel, and he lets her win. Relishes in it. He holds her gently as he lowers her the rest of the way to the floor. He remembers to be grateful that she's on the pill now so he doesn't have to leave her, even for a moment.

He lies next to her as his hands explore his favorite places. The valley between her breasts. Her upper thighs. Her stomach. He feels her nails raking gently along his spine. She shifts so that her legs are farther apart. She breaks the kiss and looks at him through half-lidded eyes. He thinks she's at her sexiest when she's like this. Almost wanton.

He moves over her, bracing himself on his upper arms. Her legs spread further. Inviting. He moves toward her and positions himself between her thighs. She grips his upper arms and he pushes into the welcoming, wet heat. He uses one hand to guide her hip as he fills her. He feels her muscles expand around him. Making room. He stays there. Feeling her holding him inside. He kisses her cheek and whispers in her ear. He moves slowly, wanting to prolong this. For her. But, he feels her tighten around his length and knows she has other plans. He lifts himself up slightly and starts rocking into her. Her grip on his arm tightens and he hears her low moan. He thrusts harder and faster. She meets his rhythm. His strokes grow more shallow as he feels her muscles contract. He catches his breath. Tries to proclaim his love in more than grunts and half-syllables. Knows he's not successful. He increases the pace again. She pulls him deeper and deeper with each thrust. He pulls almost completely out and plunges in again. She tightens around him and he knows he's almost lost. He kisses her shoulder blade trying to hold off. He feels her hands move from his arms to his back. He knows she's close. He pushes back and loses the rhythm. He thrusts twice more and then he spills inside her. He takes a gulp of air into his lungs and feels her squirming underneath him. He rocks back and forth for her now. He feels her climax as he watches her face. Hears her almost silent cry as she clenches around him. He watches her face as he feels the aftershocks.

He kisses her gently and rolls them to their sides. Still joined. He tucks an errant lock of hair behind her ear and holds her close as she moves one leg over his thigh. It stills thrills him. That she doesn't want to lose the contact anymore than he does. He watches her eyes flutter closed. Whispers his love for her. Listens to her own declarations of love. And he lets sleep take him as he slips out of her.

~*~

Later, they make their way to the bed. And they make love again. She wakes him early the next morning, beaming at him because it is Christmas morning. She blushes from her face down to her breasts when he tells her that she is the best present he could have asked for. He laughs as he talks to his sister and her family. He holds CJ as she talks to her family, tells her it's alright when she cries. Next year they'll go to her family's Christmas together. Feels a small thrill when she calls and talks to Toby, Josh and Leo, still in his pajama top. He breathes a sigh of relief when she smiles genuinely at his gift, a simple gold necklace. Laughs when he opens the tie she got him with flamingos on it. Tells her he really does love the sweater and the watch. He feels more content than he ever has as they eat dinner and watch "It's A Wonderful Life". They laugh as she plays Sam's message over and over again. And he doesn't mind when she falls asleep on his lap. He decides he wouldn't want to be anywhere else. So he holds her and watches the lights of the tree winking on and off until he too falls asleep.

End of Chapter Four


	5. Principessa

Chapter Five: Principessa

She fingers the gold chain around her neck. She's thinking back to Christmas. It really had been one of the best for her. She knows that Ron was the reason. She smiles. He's already at her apartment. He said he would make her dinner tonight. She's glad that Ron has finally decided he can let himself into her apartment without her being there. Though, she appreciates his thoughtfulness. She's never felt more secure in a relationship before. Not even with Toby, and he had been her best friend before. And, thankfully after. She just has one last briefing to go and then she can go home. It never had the pull it does now, going home. She smiles again and lets go of the necklace. She heads to the Oval to double check before she calls a full lid.

She's on fire tonight. She really is good at this. Poor Bruce. She hadn't meant to make fun of him and his source as much as she had. But, it was ridiculous. She taps her fingers on the steering wheel as she makes the last turn to get to her street. CJ remembers telling Josh that she was a woman in her prime. And damn, if that doesn't feel good. She parks the Mustang and heads upstairs. The door's unlocked when she tries it. She throws her purse and her briefcase by the coat stand and takes off her coat as she calls out for Ron. He comes out of the kitchen wearing the most ludicrous apron she's ever seen. She laughs.

"Where the hell do you find this stuff?"

"Flamingo-dot-com. It's a good website. You should check it out."

She laughs again and hangs up her coat. She willingly steps into his embrace and kisses him softly. Up close, she can see that the flamingos on the apron are wearing sunglasses. She shakes her head and asks what's for dinner. While Ron puts the dressing on the salad and she puts the lasagna on the table, CJ tells him about her day. He smiles in all the right places and tells her that there wasn't really anything in his day he can tell her about. She understands. It's another surprise for her that it doesn't bother her. He withholds a lot from her. But, she knows it's because he has to, not because he doesn't trust her.

They eat dinner in the dining room. And she once again marvels at Ron's talent in the kitchen. Of course, she reminds herself he is talented in other ways as well.

"What are you thinking about?"

"Huh? What?"

"I asked what you were thinking about there, CJ. You had this look on your face."

"Oh. I was thinking about how good this lasagna is. And how much I want to take you to bed right now."

She smiles at the slight blush that creeps across Ron's face. She laughs outright as he starts to clear the table, taking her fork out of her hand mid-bite. And within minutes she finds herself in his arms in bed. She really is on fire tonight.

~*~

She's furious. She's absolutely furious. How dare they? She's not a child. She's good at this job damn it. But, apparently, she's the only one who has noticed. She looks like an idiot. What's worse, her credibility is shot to hell. Damn them all anyway. She's just so damn pissed. And Toby. Toby saying that there's concern. Please. He of all people should know that there is nothing going on with Danny Concannon. He should have stood up for her. He shouldn't have had to stand up for her. Toby has been gone not more than two minutes and she's even more riled than she was listening to Ed and Larry give the Sesame Street briefing. She needs to focus. To calm down. She stands, but that leads to pacing. She's damned if she'll let them see that. And she knows if she closes her door that they'll think she's crying. A walk. She'll take a walk to clear her head.

Her feet have led her downstairs almost of their own volition. She hadn't planned on coming to him about this. She hates the idea that she's become the whiny girlfriend who has to have her boyfriend fix things. That's not her. So, she'll just talk to him about something else. That plan is shot to hell when he looks at her. He's too good at reading her. He immediately asks her what's wrong. Her reply of nothing doesn't move him one inch. And then he's suggesting they take a walk.

It's not until they reach the corridor well beyond his office that she finally lets go. Lets loose. She yells. She unloads all her anger and frustration out on Ron. She curses each and every one of them. She curses Toby twice. And the whole time Ron just listens. He nods his head occasionally. That frustrates her almost as much. So she shouts one last thing. Ron grabs the arm that has been gesticulating wildly throughout. With his other hand he rubs her arm. She can feel his breath on her ear.

"CJ, you know as well as I do that you don't want me to do anything. You wanted to vent. You don't want me to fix it for you. If I did, you'd only get pissed at me for thinking you couldn't handle it yourself. Which you know I think you're more than capable of."

She shakes her head and steps closer. Smiles a little. And takes a deep breath.

"You're right."

"Of course I am. And I'm pretty sure that you don't want to hear this, but I'm gonna say it anyway. Part of this is your fault."

She stiffens and takes a step back. But she doesn't jerk out of his grasp. Not yet anyway.

"Now CJ, hear me out. I agree with you about keeping our relationship secret. It would be a nightmare with the press. And I wouldn't feel comfortable having the head of the President's detail getting that much coverage. But, in order to deflect attention you've flirted with that reporter."

"He has a name."

"I don't care. I'm still not that comfortable with it. I trust you. I don't necessarily trust the fish guy. But people have noticed. And you haven't given them any reason to doubt what they think they've seen. I'm not saying it's right, but things aren't always right and wrong. And in your business perception is everything. Right?"

"Yeah."

"So, be as outraged as you want at what they did. But don't claim they didn't have any foundation. That's all I'm saying."

"Yeah. Okay. I know Danny wasn't the best idea. But, he's the only one who ever tried."

"Not the only one."

She smiles at him then, a genuine smile.

"Yes, but you succeeded. And, I'll put some distance between myself and Danny. Okay?"

"Yes. Thank you."

"You are so cute when you get jealous."

"I'm not jealous CJ."

"Well, what would you call it?"

"I'd... uh... I'd call it uncomfortable. Slightly uncomfortable."

She laughs at the look on his face and steps closer. Again.

"Well then, you are very cute when you're slightly uncomfortable. Thanks. I didn't mean... ."

"Don't worry about it, CJ. I know you wouldn't normally talk to me about this in the middle of the day. Toby has that job. But since he's in the doghouse as well, I understand. Now, don't you have a briefing coming up?"

"Yes."

"Then get up there and show them how wrong they were."

He squeezes her arm and finally lets go. He winks at her and heads back to his office. CJ thinks this day might just be bearable after all. And she will show them. She's CJ Cregg after all. And she's good at this.

~*~

She's sitting with Toby. He's apologized. And he's taken the blame for suggesting they leave her out of the loop. She knows that it wasn't his idea. Knows that Toby thinks she'll forgive him more easily than the others. She's still disappointed in him for not sticking up for her. And she tells him so.

"CJ, how could I do that?"

"All you had to do Toby was say that I could do my job."

"And if the discussion had come around to Danny Concannon? Was I supposed to say 'hey he's no problem, she's dating Ron Butterfield'?"

"No."

"CJ, I think Josh knows. Or suspects. And Sam's not far behind. I didn't want to out you. In hindsight, maybe this was worse. But, it's not my place. And yes, this was part of the better argument I had in my head earlier."

She laughs. Knows that he's right. She's seen Josh give her some funny looks lately. She pats Toby's leg and stands. They head out to see if Josh and Sam are back yet. And then Josh pulls them into his office. And sucker punches her.

She's exhausted. And frightened. Lord Marbury had asked them in the Oval Office if they were scared. He was talking about India and Pakistan and war. But that's not what has her frightened. She's scared of the coming storm. The storm that maybe one of the greatest men she's ever known won't be able to weather. Leo brought her here. She knows it was at Toby's suggestion. But she also knows that Leo wouldn't have done it if he didn't think she could do it. And she knows that Leo's tough on her sometimes. Not because he doubts her, but because he doesn't. He knows how much she can handle, even if sometimes she needs to be reminded.

The phone rings, her personal line. She answers it. It's Ron. He wants to talk to her. He says it's important, but he doesn't think it would be a good idea if he came up to her office. She tells him that she's on her way.

She sees Ron waiting in the hallway for her. He looks somber and her stomach clenches. How much more will they have to face today? She takes a deep breath and takes the last few steps to stand in front of him. He shakes his head and his voice is low when he tells her that he isn't supposed to know this. That he can't tell her where or how he found out. But, he has an agent who has told him something. This agent got it from someone else, some dumb bastard who was bragging. But, there's a file that some people have gotten a hold of, a file on Leo McGarry. She breathes a small sigh of relief. She knows. She tells Ron that she's already been told. Josh and Sam got it today.

"CJ, you know it's not just the alcohol right?"

She nods her head and her shoulders slump a little. She doesn't understand how people could do this. Attack someone like this because of politics. She says as much to Ron.

"I don't know. CJ, I need to tell you something. I couldn't say anything before. But, now that you know... I'm the one who sealed the file. It was when he was Labor Secretary. And I'm the one who okayed him as Chief of Staff. He doesn't pose a threat to anyone. Except maybe himself, if he ever takes a drink again. I admire him. And I have faith you guys will make it right."

He tucks a loose strand of hair behind her ear. And seems to look past her a moment.

"CJ, he's a good man. You guys will help him. They won't beat him. Not like this."

"Yeah. And I love you for feeling so passionate about this, but you didn't need to raise your voice there."

"Yes. I did. I wanted Leo to hear that."

She turns quickly, but doesn't see anybody. She turns back to Ron and looks at him questioningly.

"He was there, CJ. Don't worry. I'm sure he won't ask you about this. But, I can't very well go up to his office and tell him that I admire him. But, I could do this. Are you mad?"

She blinks a couple times before she can answer.

"No, I'm proud of you. You are a good man too, you know."

She watches as he tries to brush off the comment and changes the subject quickly.

"So, I was thinking, maybe tonight we could have take-out?"

"Sounds good. I'll pick it up on the way home. Where?"

"Your place. You have a nicer bed."

She laughs and whispers how much she loves him. And then she heads upstairs, more determined than ever to fix this for Leo. To not let him down. She wonders briefly if Leo realized that she and Ron are together. She knows he won't say anything about it. It's not his way. She decides to check in with him before she goes to the last briefing. Margaret isn't at her desk, so she knocks softly on Leo's door. She pops her head around the door.

"Leo?"

"Yeah, c'mon in, CJ."

"I'm gonna let them know that the President met with the ambassadors for India and Pakistan. And that Lord Marbury is here. Anything else you want me to say before I call the lid?"

"No, that's good. Just don't let them get you into a discussion about possible nuclear capabilities. That's gonna... ."

"I know Leo. I know. I... I won't. Anything else?"

"Naw."

She's almost out the door.

"CJ?"

"Yeah?"

"Never mind."

She nods her head once.

"Okay."

She leaves knowing that was Leo's way of apologizing. He's not one for emotional displays. And that's okay. He is a good man. And they are going to help him. And that's really all that matters.

~*~

CJ's tired. It's been a long week. She had almost forgotten the mad sprint just before the State of the Union. She's barely seen Ron this week. She's been trying to do the heads up on the speech without giving too much away. And she's been deflecting Josh's increasing attempts at getting her to confess about her relationship with Ron. She would laugh at his attempts at subtlety if she had the energy. But, she's tired. And now she has to give a briefing about the President having the flu. On top of everything she'd had to tell Leo that the story was out.

She gets home and barely gets through the door before she's collapsing onto the couch. She still has her coat on and the nylons aren't the most comfortable sleepwear, but at this point she doesn't care. And that's when she hears a door close. Her heart starts racing and she jumps up. Raises her hands in front of her and sees Ron, laughing at her.

"Whoa there. Please don't hurt me ma'am."

"Very funny, Ron. Very funny. You scared the hell out of me."

"I'm sorry. I just thought you might like a hot meal tonight. I know you've had a rough week."

She smiles at him.

"You cooked for me?"

"Well, no. I didn't have the time. But, I got you Thai."

She goes to him and kisses his cheek. Lets him take off her coat. She removes her heels and tosses them toward the bedroom. They eat in companionable silence. And when they get to the bedroom she lets Ron get her pajamas while she undresses. She kisses him softly and is asleep before he's even changed.

~*~

She preps Leo before seven. And then Sam and later Josh help her give Leo possible questions. She doesn't go near the pressroom when Leo's in there. Instead she sends Carol. She doesn't want the press to lose focus. She watches with Josh and Toby in Toby's office. Sam is busy writing something. Leo does better than she had hoped.

At her next briefing, she spins well and deftly skirts the topic of Leo's addictions. She hates that this is consuming the news cycle. But, she's seen the letter that Sam had written and she thinks it might be just what they need.

She wonders if it's a good sign that Mandy seems to be flirting with Danny. She thinks it might help give her some space from him. She had called him into the office and talked to him after Mandy had left. She had tried to be as professional as she could, given the subject matter. And she had refused to tell Danny who she was seeing. But, it really is better this way she thinks. She shouldn't have used Danny as a cover in the first place. And she still feels a bit guilty about that. But, he had taken it well.

She's glad to get home. And even happier to find Ron there. He's cooked chicken tonight. She smiles when he says that he certainly feels bad that the President is sick, but that it does lighten his schedule somewhat. They talk about Leo's press conference for a while. And after dinner is over, they retire to the living room with their glasses of wine.

"Lord Marbury will be here tomorrow."

"Oh how exciting."

Ron's voice is thick with sarcasm and he rolls his eyes.

"What is it with all the men in the White House and Lord Marbury? I think he's kind of cute. And he calls me 'principessa'."

"Oh he does, does he?"

She watches as Ron crawls up towards her. She places the glass of wine on the table as he does the same with his. She puts her arms around his neck.

"He does. I think I like it."

"More than Flamingo?"

Ron's nuzzling her neck and it takes her a moment to respond.

"No. I think I like Flamingo much better."

Her laughter is lost in his mouth as he kisses her. She holds him close and feels like a teenager as they neck on the couch. Much later, lying naked next to Ron in bed, she feels like things just might be getting better. The State of the Union address tomorrow will be great. The story about Leo will fade soon. And she has this man that makes her smile. And other things.

End of Chapter Five


	6. And in case you hadn't known'

Chapter Six: "And In Case You Hadn't Known, They Call Me..."

He's pissed. He's sitting here in his office, pissed. Because he missed it. He would have been there. Found some excuse to be in the pressroom. Hell, he didn't even need an excuse. Not for this. Everybody who's seen it before makes a point to be there. And everybody who's heard about it tries to get in to see it. And he missed it. He missed seeing CJ do "The Jackal". Damn.

Ron supposes things could be worse. Though at this particular moment he's not sure how. But he's resolved. He will not let CJ go to bed tonight before she does it. Just for him. He might just be getting the better end of this deal. Still, he's pissed.

Ron had somehow managed to miss seeing "The Jackal" both times during the campaign. But, he had heard about it. And even though he hadn't been in love with her then, he had been sorry to have missed it. Now, well now he is in love with her. And while he's not the type to get jealous, it bothers him a little that of all the people who have seen CJ do this sexy dance thing, he's not one of them. Oh yeah, she's going to be giving a command performance tonight.

His phone rings. He looks at the clock and knows that it's her. She's ready to go home. He answers on the second ring.

"Ron Butterfield."

"Hey."

"You did it. You did it and you didn't tell me. I missed it."

"Wha... oh. You mean... . Yeah. I was on fire."

"I'm sure you were, CJ. I'm sorry I missed it. But, you can make it up to me."

"Yeah?"

"Tonight. A private performance, you could call it."

"Umm... no. I'm sorry. That's why I'm calling. I'm gonna be here for a while. Danny Concannon just left. There's a thing with Zoey that I have to check out."

"The frat party?"

"Yeah. How did... ? Never mind. Of course you knew. Anyway, I'm not sure how long I'll be here. So... ."

"Okay, CJ. I'll just... I guess I'll just go home then."

"You mean to your place?"

"Well, I guess... ."

"You could go to mine. Maybe it won't take that long."

"Okay. I'll see you there."

"Okay."

He hangs up, slightly disappointed. He understands, of course. But, he was really looking forward to her dancing just for him. He knows by the time she does finish and get home that she'll be tired. The adrenaline rush of the evening will have worn off.

He wonders when they'll be able to make a decision on where they spend the night. He also wonders when they'll come to a decision on letting people know about their relationship. But, that's a discussion for another night. He lets the watch officer know that he's heading home. And he goes to CJ's apartment to wait for her.

He wakes up with a start at the tapping on his shoulder. He looks at CJ's tired smile. He can't believe he fell asleep on the couch. She holds out her hand and he takes it. Follows her into the bedroom.

"I didn't want to wake you. But, your neck would be so stiff in the morning."

"No. I'm glad you did. What time... ?"

"It's two-thirty."

"So, technically it is morning."

"Smart ass."

He watches as CJ takes off her clothes and puts them on the chair next to the closet. His clothes soon follow. And then he's lying next to her, breathing in the scent of her shampoo. And listening to her breaths become shallower as sleep claims her.

~*~

He can see her standing out in the corridor. He ponders briefly if she's as impressed by the way he does his job as he is of the way she does her. He asks Gina about the latest threats and pushes the other thought to the back of his head. He dismisses everyone and heads back to his office. He figures CJ wouldn't want him to look like he's expecting her to be there for him.

He's a little surprised when CJ doesn't come to his office immediately. He looks out the glass in the door and sees that she's talking to Gina Toscano. And now, he's disappointed again. He knows that CJ won't be coming to see him. He sits at his desk and jots down notes for the adjustments needed for the next threat watch. Then he starts the checklist for the advance team for the President's speech at the OEOB next week.

His phone rings and he answers. He smiles when the first thing CJ says is that she's sorry she didn't come see him when she had finished with Gina. He tells her he understands. Because he does. She has work to do. And so does he. He reassures her that the President won't fire her for getting in his face. And he wishes her luck.

After he hangs up he smiles. CJ had told him that she had asked Gina about what had gone on at the party. He really does love her tenacity. And he knows that CJ knew she wouldn't get anything from Gina. She's been with him long enough to know that. But, he admires her for covering every base. It's one of the things that makes her so damn good at her job.

He watches her last briefing and gives her another thirty minutes before he calls to see if she's ready to go home. He's glad to hear that she is. He even lets her drive. They talk mostly about her meeting with the President. He's glad that CJ is starting to realize that her voice does matter. He knows her confidence had taken a hit with the India/Pakistan thing.

When they've finished the take-out Italian they got on the way home she tells him to go ahead into the living room. She has to do something. He doesn't even bother with wondering what it might be. She probably has to call Toby about something. He takes their wine glasses in and sets hers on the coffee table. He's a little startled when the music starts. But the stereo remote landing on the couch tells him that she'd switched it on as she came in. He turns his head just as he hears the first words of the song.

"Did I ever tell you about the man who changed my life? The one I thought 'oh Lord', when I saw him walkin' back in that bar."

He knows somewhere in his mind that his mouth is hanging open. But, there doesn't seem to be anything he can do about it now. CJ is standing just at the edge of the room. Blushing slightly as she moves her mouth with the lyrics. She's wearing one of his dress shirts that he's left here before. And that's it. He knows that's all she's wearing because the shirt is unbuttoned. He swallows. Hard. He doesn't take his eyes off her as she moves in front of him gesturing, swinging her hips.

"...Chillin' at a quarter after five. Twist of lime, Coke on the side. The brother loved the high life."

His mouth has gone dry. This is better than he had ever imagined. He's falling in love with CJ all over again. He doesn't want the song to ever end.

"And in case you hadn't known, they call me 'The Jackal'."

She's moved inches from him. He watches her eyes. Can't help but let his eyes wander down her body. He thinks it's quite possible that he's never wanted a woman more in his life than he wants her right now. He doesn't even let her finish the song. He grabs her around the waist and pulls her down on top of him. He kisses her throat and behind her ear. His hands roam underneath the shirt. And he whispers to her after her laughing has subsided that he finds her laugh the most intoxicating thing in this world. And then he's leading her to bed. And he shows her just how much he wants her. Twice.

~*~

He's not good at this. Feeling helpless. That's not what he does. He serves and protects. He plans and prepares. He does not sit on the sidelines. Except, that's exactly what he's doing now. And Ron doesn't like it. He doesn't know what he can do to help her. And that leaves him on edge.

He knows that CJ has been having a hard time. First she got a lot of slack over that memo that Mandy had written. Then it was her error in the pressroom. She's apologized to Leo and President Bartlet. She's fixed everything she can. But, he knows that she still feels like she's letting people down.

He thought her confidence level couldn't get lower than it did in January. But now, well he's not sure if she can take another blow. So he's got his fingers crossed that these polling numbers do go up. Because he's not sure what else he can do. He's tried being supportive. Reassuring. He's pretty sure that if he says one more time how much faith he has in her, that she might just scream.

But he does faith in her. He knows that she makes mistakes sometimes. She's human. But she doesn't allow herself that luxury. He would like to have a word with Leo. He knows he can't. Won't. But it would make Ron feel better to give somebody an earful. How can they not see all the things she's done for them?

He wonders if perhaps CJ is too good at what she does. She does so much without people really noticing. Maybe that's why they give her such a hard time when she does make a mistake. They take her for granted. They don't realize all the potential problems that haven't happened because she's done her job.

He sighs. There isn't anything he can do about it now. He can only do what he can, which has nothing to do with polling numbers and bumps and holds. He can make dinner. So he's here, in her kitchen, making chicken. She had told him not to bother. That she would be home late. But, it's the only thing he can think of to do. So, he turns on the oven and hopes those numbers are what she's expecting.

He hears the door open and close. He walks out of the kitchen and helps CJ take off her jacket. Her face is solemn and his heart drops a bit. Damn.

"I was wrong about the approval rating."

"I'm so sorry, CJ. I know you wanted this."

"Yeah. It was stupid to say we'd go up five points. Especially since we went up nine."

He watches her face light up. And the smile she turns on him makes him smile right back.

"Well, then it's a good thing I made that celebratory dinner waiting in the kitchen."

"Yes. Yes it is."

She stops him from turning to go back to the kitchen. She hugs him tightly and takes a deep breath. She looks down and then raises her eyes to him slowly.

"I wanted to thank you, Ron. I know how hard you've been trying with... well, me. And I know I haven't been the easiest person to be around. But, I wanted you to know how much I appreciate the way you support me. And the way you think of me."

She blushes then, which makes him smile.

"CJ, I don't know why it's so hard for you to see how amazing you are. But you are."

"Thanks. Now, what's for dinner?"

He lets her change the subject. He knows that she'll talk about this later. When they're in bed. And they are covered in darkness. And that's all right. She's opened up more to him than almost anyone. And he won't rush her. This relationship is worth taking the time. Because, this one, he has realized, is for keeps.

~*~

He wakes to the incessant beeping of the alarm. He feels her shift next to him. Once he has silenced the offending noise he turns to face her. She's so beautiful first thing in the morning, he thinks.

"Seriously, it's not really five yet. Is it?"

"I'm afraid so, CJ."

"Damn."

He puts his arm around her. And thinks how lucky he is to be waking up next to her every morning. Well, almost every morning. There are still nights when she doesn't come home from the west wing. And there are nights when he or she is off somewhere with the President. But, it's different now. It has been this whole last week.

He had been right to wait for her to talk to him when they went to bed that night the polling numbers had come out. She had opened up even more than he had anticipated. And they had discussed quite a bit. Including the decision they had made to live together. He smiles at the small argument they had over which apartment was better. But, she had been right. Her bed was much nicer. And it hadn't taken all that much effort to get her kitchen into working order.

She kisses his cheek and pushes away the covers. She throws her pajamas in the hamper and starts the shower. He goes into the kitchen and starts the coffee. He is amazed at how much domesticity suits him.

Once they have both showered and dressed, they drink coffee together in the kitchen. He notices that she's wearing the necklace he gave her for Christmas.

"You got the clasp fixed?"

"Well, Carol did. She picked it up from the jeweler yesterday."

"I'm glad. It looks good on you."

She smiles at him and shakes her head. He can't help but smile back.

"Hey, are you coming tonight?"

"Yeah. I'll be there."

"I hope we can get out of there early."

"Me too, CJ."

He rinses the coffee cups and puts them in the sink while CJ gathers up the notes she was making last night. He puts on his jacket and grabs the car keys as CJ puts on her lipstick.

"Remind me to make a note to Carol on how to spell Rosslyn. She had it with one 's' in the notes from last night. And I forgot to highlight it."

"Okay. But you're going to write it down as soon as you get in the car."

"I know."

She winks and he can't help but swat her backside as she walks out the door in front of him. He locks the apartment and heads down the stairs behind her. He laughs at the way she practically sashays in front of him. He hopes they can get away from the Newseum early tonight. He has a pretty good idea of how to spend the evening.

End of Chapter 6


	7. Love is not a victory march'

Chapter Seven: "Love Is Not A Victory March."

She's on hold. And she can't quite decide if she's cranky. She knows she's being selfish. She can admit to that. But she had hoped for an early evening tonight. She had hoped that when they were done with the town hall meeting that she could head home. She's still amazed that it's not just her home anymore. It's "their" home. And for the first time since, well since she doesn't know when, that thought doesn't scare her stiff. She knows that it's because it is Ron. If she were sharing her home with anyone else it wouldn't be like this. Ben had set her teeth on edge after two days. Toby had been the first and she had become exhausted trying to not upset the balance then. But this, with Ron, is easy. It's comfortable. She laughs when she remembers the scowl on Toby's face when she had told him that it just felt "right". He had begged her not to use cliché, but she couldn't help it. It did feel right.

The line clicks and she sits up in her chair.

"Hey."

"Hey there yourself, CJ."

"Have you seen the thing with the pilot?"

"Yeah. I assume that means you're calling to tell me that we won't be able to leave early tonight."

"Well, you probably will. But, I think I'll have to brief at least once after we get back. Sorry."

"It's okay. It's your job."

"Yeah. Anyway, I just... well, I thought I'd give you a heads up."

"That's not fair."

"What?"

"You know how sexy I find it when you use your professional voice."

She laughs and hears him chuckling as well. She sighs and cradles the phone closer to her neck.

"Well, I don't want you to suffer."

She giggles and shakes her head. She's still amazed at his ability to make her feel like a teenager sometimes.

"I'll see you tonight then."

"Okay. Bye."

"Bye, CJ."

She hangs up and goes back to the pile of information on her desk about Stealth fighters and ejection seats. She makes a mental note to check with Toby before she goes to her next briefing. She doubts that she'll get many questions about the space shuttle, but she's worried about him. And David. She still can't believe that Sam didn't even know that Toby has a brother in NASA. She chides herself for forgetting to tell Ron about the signal. She knows that he'll get a kick out of Sam coming up with the hand gesture. She makes another mental note to tell Ron when she sees him tonight.

~*~

He's done all the prep work for tonight. He's talked to Gina and knows that Zoey will be coming as well. And he's just finished the discussion about Girl's softball with the President. He smiles. He just might get that early night with CJ after all. The pilot has been rescued. So it doesn't look like CJ will have to brief again. He knows that the military guys do their own briefings for this sort of thing.

He's heading towards the cars when he sees her. He can't help the extra beat his heart takes at the sight of her. She looks particularly good in blue, he thinks. And the blouse is open enough for him to admire the expanse of her chest. He knows what hides below the open neck, and he reminds himself to breath. He has never felt this way with another woman. And he thanks his lucky stars one more time for having her in his life.

He watches as she turns her head and sees him. His heart skips a beat this time as her smile widens. He stops and lets her make her way towards him. He glances around, as much out of habit, and sees than nobody is paying any attention to them. But, he lowers his voice anyway.

"Have I told you lately how beautiful you are?"

She almost blushes and shakes her head. The smile grows even bigger.

"You keep that up, and I may just have to keep you around."

"I certainly hope so."

She laughs a small laugh and steps an inch closer. He knows that CJ won't get too close here. She still doesn't want to announce their relationship. And he understands. Even though a small part of him would love nothing more than to scream from the top of the Washington Monument that she's with him. But, she's right. The press nightmare is enough reason to stay silent.

"So, now that the pilot is safe, you should be able to get out of here early, right?"

"I think so. I have to get the guys from the Pentagon into the briefing room after we get back. But, that shouldn't take long. And the press corps is mad at me now, so they'll be just as happy asking somebody else the questions."

"They're mad?"

"Well, Danny mostly. But, yeah. I lied to them. And they don't take kindly to that."

"You did what you had to do, CJ."

"I know. I told Danny I was sleeping fine tonight."

Her eyebrows rise and the corner of her mouth inches upwards into a smirk.

"Maybe I should have said that I'd be sleeping fine in the morning."

He can't help but laugh at her. She is so sexy when she's like this. He sees Carol hovering at the end of the hallway and nods in that direction.

"I think you're wanted."

"Yeah. The busses are leaving. I have to go. If I don't see you there, I'll see you when we get back."

"Okay."

He watches her walk to where Carol is waiting and follows her with his eyes as she leaves the building. He shakes his head and goes outside to the cars, knowing that the President has yet to leave the Oval Office. He thinks that they'll both be sleeping fine. At some point.

~*~

Things keep getting better and better. And she can't help but smile. The pilot was rescued this afternoon. The President is killing them out there. And Toby's brother is safe. She got the sign from Sam. She still hasn't told Ron about the sign. She'll have to remember to do it for him when they get home. She's feeling so pleased about things that she decides to give Danny a small tip. It's the least she can do.

~*~

If he weren't on duty, he would laugh. He can't believe that with as much time as Gina has spent on Bookbag's detail that she hasn't yet learned about the President's penchant for sports. Of all kinds. He would laugh, but he can't. He scans the area and gets a perimeter check. He hears Gina telling Mike that Eagle won't be working the rope line. And hears Morrow confirm that they're ready to go inside. Ron heads back to the gates for his detail to meet him there.

~*~

She's talking to Sam. She hears the President call Toby. And she sighs a little when she sees them head for the rope line. She knew it was too good to be true. But, she'll still be ready to go when they get back to the White House. She's already sent Carol to the busses with the copy of the stats that were used. She hears noise – maybe somebody yelling – and then pops. Staccato shots ringing in her ears. Somebody slams into her and she staggers. She reaches out, but she's not sure anymore who she's reaching for. Then someone else is throwing her down. Her head slams to the concrete. She feels, more than hears, glass exploding on top of her. And then, there is blissful blackness.

~*~

He watches the Presidential group come down the ramp. Sees Gina take Bookbag. Glances briefly at Flamingo before following Eagle and Hemingway. He's scanning the crowd and the buildings. He's looking to their right. He hears "Gun!". And he's grabbing Eagle. Pushing him towards the car. He can't help but hear the shots being fired, but he isn't distracted by them. Knows they're coming from above. He feels something in his right hand, like he hit the barricade or the car door. He's shouting instructions. Coop's got the car going and he's shoving Eagle into the floor. Crawls on top of him. Gives the order to get them the hell out of here. And as the car speeds away and he finally lets Eagle sit up he notices that the pain in his hand is from a bullet.

~*~

CJ's sitting up. She's not quite sure how she managed that. She's trying to focus, but things are a little blurry. A paramedic has moved her to the hood of a car. He's asking her questions. She feels like she's almost back, almost herself. And she knows she answers correctly. Her head is throbbing. Even more so now that she doesn't have an answer. Is the President dead? She sees Sam. Relief. He's okay. And the President and Zoey. And he would tell her if Ron had been hurt. He would. She feels steadier on her legs, although looking at those broken windows in the car she was standing next to didn't help much. She starts to walk with Sam when she's frozen in place. She hears Toby's voice. But not his voice really, it's anguished. Strangled. She turns and sees his face and Josh slumping to the side. She runs and forgets everything else.

~*~

He's grabbed one of the first aid kits from the door panel and has wrapped his hand in a bandage while the President has talked to Zoey. The president doesn't seem to understand why they got cut off and now it's up to Ron to explain that she's being sick. He's already coordinated with the agents at the Residence and those left at the scene. He knows where everyone is and what they're doing. And he's explaining it to the President for the third time when he sees the blood. And Ron's heart stops. He's failed. He checks the president's body and his hand comes out of the jacket covered in blood. He gives the order and gets on the phone to GW. He talks to the duty nurse and hangs up. They'll be there in a minute.

"Hang on, Sir. We're almost there."

He hears over the earpiece that they've found another victim. GSW to the chest. And as the limo pulls up to the hospital and he gets reports from the agents already there a small part of his mind tells him that he should be more worried about that other victim than he is. But he doesn't have the time right now to try and figure out why. He follows Eagle into the ER.

~*~

She's holding Josh's hand. It had been hanging limply off the gurney, so she had grabbed it. Held tight. Willing him to be okay. She had looked at Toby once since they had piled into the ambulance. She couldn't bring herself to look at Sam. It felt like the world was falling apart. The throbbing in her head had increased ten-fold. And she kept squeezing Josh's hand.

The ambulance lurched to a stop and CJ was forced to let go of Josh as they got him out, headed into the hospital. She saw Leo coming around the corner.

"It's Josh."

Was that her voice? She can't even recognize herself in it. And it occurs to her that there are too many agents for them. Too much security for the Deputy Chief Of Staff. She holds her tongue. Waits until the doctors kick them out of Josh's room. Until Leo can look them in the eye. And she asks. And it's another blow to her heart. And she finds it almost difficult to breathe. But she looks at Toby and Sam and knows that she'll have to be strong. It's the least she can do. Somebody from the hospital is telling them where they can wait, but Leo is holding her arm. She looks at him, questioning.

"CJ, you might want to go down there first."

And Leo's pointing towards curtained areas of the ER. Little rooms with one glass window. And it takes everything CJ has not to break down right there. Not to run away screaming and never come back. She shakes her head and waits for Leo to say it. She can't bear to ask. And because this night has become her worst nightmare imagined, it doesn't even strike her as odd that Leo has pulled her aside for this. That they both know who he's talking about without saying his name.

"He's fine. It's just his hand. Really. Go ahead."

Leo looks into the room where Sam and Toby are. Then back at CJ.

"They'll be fine. Go."

And she can't speak. Wouldn't know the words if she could. So, she nods her head and turns away from him. She heads down the hallway, looking at all the empty rooms. She thinks it odd that nobody is here. And then remembers that they would have moved the other patients someplace else. She sees a nurse come out from one of the curtains and knows that he is there. She hesitates. She's not sure why, but something is holding her back. She's afraid. Terrified that Leo is wrong. That Ron is dead. She's not sure she can deal with that.

Then the curtain moves and he's standing there. Whole and alive. His hand bandaged, but otherwise he looks just like he did this morning and this evening. Was it really just a few hours ago when she saw him last? Except for the blood on his clothes. She wonders if some of it belongs to the President. It's like she's under water. She seems to move slowly. And then she feels his arm around her waist. And his chest underneath her face. And she's sobbing. Crying like there is no tomorrow, and for all she knows there isn't. She hears the whispers in her ear, the hushing sounds. And she feels safe for the first time since she walked out of the Newseum. It feels like the first time in years.

~*~

Ron had done everything he could. Everything he was supposed to do. He had checked in with everyone. Much to the consternation of the nurse who was trying to take him for an x-ray. He knew that it was adrenaline. That was the only way he couldn't feel the pain in his hand as more than a dull ache. And so finally he left Barry in charge of the hospital detail and went with the nurse. He was almost inside the door when he stopped as if struck by lightening. CJ. Where was she? Was she okay? He had done his job perfectly. He hadn't let himself be distracted by anything. Not even the woman he loved. And now he was panicking. He retrieved the earpiece and the microphone that the nurse had taken. He got on the frequency and asked for an update on the staff. And then he heard what he needed more than anything. Flamingo is safe. He knows that Josh has been hurt. And that kicks him in the gut. But he can't do anything about that now. All he can do is surrender his equipment and get the x-ray over with.

His hand is bandaged and he's taken an aspirin. He won't take anything stronger. There's still a suspect out there and he has things to do. The nurse leaves and he hears the shoes approach his area. She stops and he can see her feet. He wonders what's going through her head. But, he decides his desire to see for himself that she's fine is greater than his need to let her do things in her own time. So, he pulls open the curtain. And there she is. He opens his arms and she melts into them. She's crying and it almost breaks his heart, the pain she's in. He wants to make it all better for her, but he knows he can't. All he can do is hold her and try to make her feel safe.

End of Chapter Seven


	8. And some have to live with the scars

Chapter Eight: "And Some Have To Live With The Scars"

She blinks. She realizes in some part of her brain that she has no tears left. That she's been sobbing into his chest for at least five minutes. She takes a deep breath and looks at him. Looks in his eyes. And suddenly she's more afraid than she has been all night. Because he looks... sad. That's not really it. Maybe guilty, or disappointed. Or both. But he looks like someone she barely knows. Her throat is dry and her voice raspy when she finally scratches out his name.

"Ron?"

"Oh CJ. How are you? Are you okay?"

She nods her head and tries to ignore the pounding she feels. She squints a little and steps back to really look at him. Defeated. That's the word she's been searching for. He looks defeated.

"How's your hand?"

"It's fine. It's nothing."

His eyes are roaming over her body. He has to be sure that she's really all right. He can't believe that he hadn't thought about her once since the shooting began. Until it would have been too late for him to do anything. He feels sick to his stomach. And he catalogues the things about her that just aren't right. The fear in her eyes scares him the most. But, he has to be sure she's physically okay before he can deal with that.

"You scratched your neck. What happened CJ?"

"I... I'm not sure. I got pushed down."

She reaches for her neck, the stinging sensation she's felt finally making sense. Her fingers claw frantically at her neck and her eyes go wide.

"My necklace is gone. It must have come off when I went down. I'm sorry. I didn't... ."

"Shh. It's okay. It's just a necklace. It's you I care about. Did you hit your head?"

"Yeah. But, it's fine. I'm fine."

He doesn't know how to ask. He's almost certain that it's not hers. But he needs to know for sure. And he's worried about adding to her fear and pain.

"CJ, did you cut yourself maybe?"

"No. Why?"

"Honey, you have... on your hands... ."

She puts her hands in front of her. She turns them over and takes another deep breath as she sees the blood stains that have made grotesque patterns.

"It's Josh."

Her voice hitches and he grabs her again. Holds her tight, ignoring the pain in his hand that's starting to gain momentum. He has failed. He knows that with every fiber of his being. He has let them all down. And he feels almost helpless to do anything but hold her.

"I know. I heard. But, he'll be fine. He's strong. And stubborn. He's gonna be just fine."

She knows that he's just trying to make her feel better. That he has no idea how bad it is. And she loves him all the more for it. She steps back again and is almost overwhelmed by the feeling of despair she sees in his face, even through the concerted effort he's making to hide it.

"Ron."

He knows what she's going to say. What she's going to ask. And he doesn't want to have this conversation. Doesn't want to have to tell her that this is his fault. That he failed. Miserably. That the President and Josh are in surgery right now because he didn't do his job. That it should have been him.

"CJ, you should wash your hands."

"Ron, tell me. I can see... ."

"No. Just, no. I have to check in and I'm sure that you want to go see how they're doing."

"Ron, you're scaring me. Please. Talk to me."

"What do you want me to say CJ? What? That I'm sorry. Do you want an apology? Or do you want me to explain all the ways that I fucked up tonight? That if I had done my job right, that none of this would have happened. That the President wouldn't be in surgery. That you wouldn't have been scared to death, pushed onto the ground hard enough to rip off your necklace if I had done my job. That your hands wouldn't be covered in Josh Lyman's blood if I had just done what I'm supposed to do. Is that what you want?"

His anger and his raised voice had startled her. Her eyes are focused on him now, taking deep breaths. Obviously trying to calm himself down. She grabs his arms and holds them tight.

"Look at me. Ron, you look at me."

Slowly he raises his face to look in her eyes.

"It was an act of madmen, Ron. You couldn't have done anymore than you did. You couldn't have stopped this. It was an act of madmen."

His voice is so low that she barely catches his reply.

"I could have taken the bullet."

"No. Ron... ."

"That's my job, CJ. I take a bullet for the President. And I didn't."

She lets go of his arms. She steps away from him quickly. She wants to pace, but there isn't enough room. She wants to run. But she has nowhere to go. And it's like another blow that she realizes he's right. That he was supposed to have taken the bullet. And she has to leave. Right now.

"I have to... ."

"I know. Go CJ. It's okay."

She wants to say something. Anything that doesn't make this feel like the end. But, she's not sure that it isn't. That maybe this is it. So she stares at him for a few seconds. And then she turns away and walks quickly down the hall. She scans the doors on either side and curses the fact that she can't find a bathroom. She stops a nurse and gets directions. She's almost running by the time she finds it. She slams into the sink and turns the water on full blast. She starts scrubbing her hands, over and over, completely ignoring the now scalding water coming from the tap. And the tears she thought were gone are back. And she feels like her life has fallen apart.

He watches her go. Knows that he should have said something reassuring. Something to make her feel better. But, he's always been honest with her. Always. And so he knows that there was nothing he could have said. The pain in his hand seems to have radiated out. And now he feels an aching in his chest. He can't do anything for her now. She'll have to come to terms with this. Or not. And he'll have to abide with her decision. But he can't be distracted by that right now. He has a job to do. Even if he hadn't done it earlier, he would do it now. And so he heads out to check in with his agents.

~*~

She's sitting in the room the hospital administrator had set up for the staff. It's quiet in here. Nobody speaks, but the clock seems to be getting a lot of attention. She feels drained. Way beyond the point of exhaustion. She's worried about the President, about Josh. And she can't stop the image she has in her head of Ron jumping in front of a bullet. She knew that was part of his job. Somewhere deep she had hidden that away. It was easy to forget. Easy to ignore. Until tonight. Now, she can't stop thinking that it could have been him in there, fighting for his life. If Ron had it his way, he would be. And that's the thought that won't let go. That's the thought that has her heart in a vice grip.

The First Lady had told them that the President would be fine. And, she'd explained in great detail what was going on with Josh. Too much detail, as far as CJ was concerned. Except that she knows she'll need to be telling the press the very same information. And soon. Her headache has settled into a bearable, dull pain. She can't look at Toby. His eyes have been asking her questions since she came in here with her hands still pink from the hot water. But, she doesn't have any answers. And she's not ready to start asking the questions of herself.

The Administrator is back. He's telling them to go home. And she could laugh at the absurdity of his statement. And then Donna walks in. She's babbling and CJ can't do it. She can't be the one. She's more grateful than she can believe that Toby tells her. She tries, by squeezing Donna's arm. But, it's too much. She can so easily imagine being in the same place. And she's decided it's time to go back to work. Anything to distract her from this.

~*~

He's talked to almost all the agents that were on scene. He's been getting reports from the Watch Officer. They're getting the identities of the shooters now. And he knows the manhunt is on. He'd made sure that every base was covered. Including having the Watch Officer get a statement for CJ's office to release that he was off the protection detail. And he is. Technically. But, he's still the head of the President's detail. So he's still doing the administrative stuff. And, it's not like he would be the one standing outside the operating room anyway.

He knows that he'll have to head over to the White House soon. He has to start signing the reports. And he wants to talk to the agents who got the shooters in person. He's proud of them. And he's been trying to keep the feeling of jealousy at bay. He knows it's ridiculous. It's not his job to shoot in those scenarios. It's his job to get Eagle in the car. And he'd partially succeeded. But the guilt still has a pretty firm hold over him.

He sees Gina standing in the hallway when he comes inside from talking to the perimeter agents. She looks just about as bad as he feels. He knows that this is the part of his job where he's the least adept. He thinks briefly that CJ would know how to talk to Gina. To help her feel better. She'd tried to tell him as much not twenty minutes ago. But, he can't afford to think about CJ in any way right now. His guilt about not thinking of her is the weight he feels tightly in his chest. So, he tells Gina that she'd done her job well. Bookbag was put in the car. And she's safe. She's not to blame. He dodges her questions about his own feelings of responsibility. And he tells her that she did good. He smiles at her before he leaves for the White House. But he's sure she saw it as the empty gesture he felt it was.

~*~

As she walks away from Danny towards Leo's office she thinks that she's never felt this unsure after a briefing. Maybe, during the campaign. Maybe after the first time she had briefed the press on behalf of Governor Bartlet. But not since she came here. Not since this has been her job. She has no idea what to say to the reporters. She can't really remember any of it. And the details she's been given are sketchy at best. She had almost lost her train of thought when she saw the post-it from Carol that Ron had been taken off active duty because of his hand. She's sure her heart had actually stopped for a moment there. She can't think about that now. She has to focus. She slips into the meeting with Nancy, Leo and Toby.

~*~

He watches the briefing from his office. He knows that there are about a million other things he can be doing right now. But, he'd had to see it. Had to see her. He wishes he could help her. Hold her right now and make her feel safe. She seemed so small on his screen. And that almost broke his heart. The knock on his door finally gets his attention and he stands as the other agent comes in.

"Thanks for coming."

"No problem."

"I was hoping to talk to you earlier. But... ."

"I was doing my report."

"Yeah. Listen, you did good out there tonight, Simon."

"I just did my job."

"You got one of them."

"Kids. They were kids."

"I know."

"How's your hand, Ron?"

"It's fine. I just wanted to tell you that I'm proud of you."

"Thanks. That means a lot coming from you. You know you did a good job too, right?"

"Don't you have something you need to be doing?"

"Yeah."

He watches as the other agent starts to leave. Sees him stop. Dreads another attempt to make him feel better about this.

"This was a helluva night, Ron. I'm glad I was on your team."

"Thanks. Now get the hell out of here Donovan."

"Yes, Sir."

He would smile at the mock salute. But that would take too much energy. He wonders briefly if he needs someone to talk to CJ's office about the canopy. Decides it can wait and gets back on the phone. He has a third suspect to find.

~*~

She's walking with Toby when he mentions the scratch on her neck. She tries to deflect it. Mentions the question she got about the canopy. And almost chokes when she says that she doesn't think they'll have to answer it. Toby tells her that he'll see her at the hospital. She starts to walk away, but Toby stops her. Moves her out of the middle of the corridor and forces her to look in his face.

"CJ?"

"I don't want to talk about Toby. Just let it go."

"How's Ron?"

She shakes her head. She refuses to cry. She can't afford it right now.

"He hurt his hand."

"Where is he?"

"I don't know."

"CJ?"

"Toby, don't. Leave it."

"I don't think I will."

"Toby. Please."

"CJ, what happened. You look awful."

"Well thanks so much for that."

"More than you should. You look like your whole world has collapsed."

"Maybe you hadn't noticed Toby, but we were shot at. The President was shot. Josh was shot. Things are a little bit off right now."

"Ron was shot."

"I know."

"But you didn't say it. Can you say it?"

"Toby, I swear to God. Drop it right now."

"Okay. But I have never seen you as happy as you have been this past year. Not even when you were with me. And I think my admitting that should, you know, earn me some points. But it's true. And you should think about that before you get scared and run from him. That's all I'm saying."

She watches as Toby walks away. She knows that he's right. Knows that she has always run when things got too hard or too complicated. And she knows that's all she wants to do now. Run away. She just isn't sure she has the strength for this. Ron's job is to take the bullet. His job description includes getting killed. And if it hurts this much now, what would it be like later. If she lost him after a few years. She's not sure she could make it through that. And she's not at all sure that she even wants to try.

~*~

They have been in the same building together for at least an hour. He knows that she's gotten questions about the tent. And he knows why she hasn't asked him about it. She's afraid of him. He understands that it's really CJ's fear of losing him that is keeping her at bay. But Ron can't make himself go to the next step. That her fear will push her away forever. He's not sure he can live that. He knows that he's not sure he has a choice.

His phone rings. He answers and hears some of the best news he's heard all night. He hangs up and is out of his chair immediately. He's moving out the door and he's left his thoughts about the woman he loves behind. He had a job to do.

~*~

She is sitting in her office. The televisions are on, and for once they're all showing the same thing. There's only one story dominating this news cycle. She regrets ever wishing that she didn't have to compete for air time. She's called the hospital. Knows that Josh is still in surgery, knows the President is recovering. She wonders if they will ever be able to do that. If any of them will really recover from this. And her thoughts stray to Ron. She's never really loved someone like this. And the terror she feels at losing him is suffocating her. She reaches up to her neck and feels the sting of the scratch where her necklace used to be. His gift to her. Vaguely, she can hear her name on one of the television sets, but her focus is lost in thoughts of losing him.

"Press Secretary C.J. Cregg has appeared at her briefing to be shaken and distraught... ."

~*~

They have him. They got the son of a bitch. He wants nothing more then to go in there and pummel his sorry ass. But, Ron knows that would be at best unprofessional. And that's not who he is, really. Technically, he shouldn't be here. He's the head of the President's security detail. But, he knows people and he has been allowed to watch the interrogation.

The anger surges up along his spine. He will never understand the ignorance that seems so easily accepted by some. He clears his throat once more to push the bile back down. He shakes his head. He's heard enough. He thanks his friend and heads for the hospital. He has to update the President. Though, this is one time he wishes it were up to somebody else. He is disgusted.

In the car, he thinks about what CJ would say about this. Her words play over and over through his head. "It was an act of madmen." Hearing this kid, Carl Leroy, talk about white pride and helping Zoey Bartlet, Ron can't help but think she might be right. No one in their right mind would be able to do something like this. They have to have been mad. It doesn't stop his guilt from keeping a tight hold. But, it is making it easier to breathe.

~*~

She feels stronger. She thinks she was more put together for this briefing. She's tired of the looks the press corps has been giving her. She doesn't need their concern. She's capable of taking care of herself, thank you very much. And when she's not, well she has... . She stops mid-thought. She realizes that she has finally let herself count on someone. She has shown vulnerability to him. And he stayed. Her eyes water and she shakes her head. She'll get used to being alone again.

She hates this, having to ask Toby to get the Secret Service to make their "no comment". She's glad that Sam doesn't question why she's not talking to Ron about it. That's what she would normally do. But, she can't bear to see him yet. She doesn't think she could get through the conversation they'll have to have. So, she pushes it off on Toby. Thankful that he understands. She wonders briefly if maybe Sam does too.

It's not yet been half an hour when she sees Sam back in the White House. She can't believe how well he's holding up. Josh is his best friend. And she knows that Sam has a harder time pushing his feelings aside than the rest of them. She's a bit disappointed that he doesn't know who pushed her down. The desire to get her necklace back has been growing steadily. If she gave thought to it, which she won't, she would know that she's fixated on the necklace because at the end of the day she'll want something tangible of his to keep. After he is gone.

She's embarrassed. She knows that her excuses to Carol for not doing the morning shows were transparent. She knows that her reasons were feeble. But she can't admit to any of them that she has no idea what happened. That the entire night for her consists of noise and pain, and seeing Josh, and then Ron. And she's not sure why that bothers her so much. Except she thinks this would be a hell of a time to come clean about her relationship with Ron. Just before it ends. And she can't do it.

~*~

He's standing in the hospital room watching the understanding wash over the President and his wife. His daughter. He would like to be anywhere but here. And he would like for people to stop thanking him. He had used all of his skills to keep the bitterness out of his voice when Zoey had thanked him for saving her father's life. He couldn't tell her that he hadn't done enough. He hopes now that his curt nod was put down to tiredness and stress.

He thought that explaining things to the President would be hard. He had no idea what hard was until Charlie came in. He admires that young man. He's not sure that he would be able to hear the news so calmly. Ron is fairly sure that Charlie will be taking the blame for this in some circles. And that Charlie himself will feel responsible. But, Ron knows that it's not his fault. And suddenly, he understands. He knows exactly what CJ had meant. He is no more responsible than Charlie or Gina. It was an act of madmen. And everyone left in the wake could only do as much as they could. And there is nothing more that he wants than to tell CJ. He has to see her. He has to tell her that he gets it.

He's on his way to the White House. He knows that it will be difficult. He knows that CJ is scared. And she is stubborn. But, he will make her understand. He will make her listen. He's not going to let go of her without a fight. And if this night has proven anything, it has proven that they can all fight. He takes a deep breath as the car pulls into the lot. He is determined to not let go of her.

~*~

She is back in her office when he appears at her door. She watches Carol leave her desk. She puts the papers she was holding on the desk. And finally looks up.

"I can't do this right now. I have... there are things I need to get ready before I brief again."

"CJ, I love you."

"Don't. Don't do this."

"I know you're scared. I know how hard it is for you to let someone in. And I know that you can't stand what you're feeling right now."

"I swear to God, Ron. If you don't... ."

"Okay. But, I had to tell you that you were right. You were absolutely right."

She blinks for the third time. Pushing the tears back with sheer willpower, she looks him in the eye. She doesn't miss the determination she sees.

"I have no idea what you're talking about."

"It wasn't my fault, CJ. It wasn't Gina's. It wasn't Charlie's. You were right. And I had to let you know that."

"Well, I... good. I have to... do this... uh, thing. Now."

"I'm not giving up on you, CJ. I refuse to let this end."

"You know, I don't think this is something that you can just decide on your own. I think I have some say about this. And I'm not discussing it now. So, you need to leave. Don't you have something you could be doing now?'

He doesn't flinch at the hostility in her voice. He can see her muscles coiling for a battle. And he knows that she's not ready for this. But, he knows that it's a start. And he feels a small ray of hope that he may yet still have a chance. He nods and starts to leave. His back is to her.

"I love you, CJ. And, I'm not giving up."

She watches him walk away. She tries to stop the shaking of her hands. But, she finally gives in and slumps on her couch. Sam will be on the morning shows soon. So, she can afford a few minutes. She takes several deep breaths. She refuses to cry. She's aware that she might possibly be making the worst mistake of her life. But, she doesn't seem able to stop herself.

~*~

She has her necklace back. It's in her pocket. She can feel the weight of it in her heart. She thinks that perhaps it may symbolic of all this. The necklace is beautiful, but too fragile. It's the second time that the clasp has broken. She wonders if it can even be repaired again. She doubts it.

She shakes her head and steps into the briefing room again. She has a ballistics report to give.

~*~

He sees Toby and can't help but wonder how they all keep going. He knows that none of them have slept. And that none of them have been immune to the pain and anxiety of the last twelve hours. And he had heard about Toby, covered in Josh's blood. He's pretty sure he knows why Toby has come to see him. He barks one more order at the local police and heads over to Toby.

He thinks it's almost fitting that he is the one trying to assuage Toby's guilt. He thinks CJ would find this amusing. If it weren't so damn sad.

"Lemme go over there and tell 'em it was my fault."

"It wasn't your fault."

"Ron... ."

"It wasn't your fault. It wasn't Gina's fault. It wasn't Charlie's fault."

And for the first time since he accepted her words, he really understands that it wasn't his own fault either. That he really had done everything he could do. And the guilt over that seems like an almost physical presence as it leaves him.

"It wasn't anybody's fault, Toby. It was an act of madmen. You think a tent was gonna stop 'em?"

He can see Toby slowly absorbing his words. And he can still hear CJ's voice in his head.

"It was an act of madmen. Anyway, the Secret Service doesn't comment on procedure."

He has started to walk away when Toby's voice causes him to turn. He sees Toby making an awkward gesture and he goes to the bench, but does not sit.

"Listen, ah... Ron. Don't... don't give up on her. She's scared. And when she's scared, she runs. Just... uh... just don't let her."

"Thanks, Toby."

He walks back to the hospital. His desire to hold her in his arms is overwhelming. But he'll just have to give her a little space. Not enough that she can get out of his reach. He'll give her an hour or so more. And then he'll go back to the White House. He'll make her see that they are better together than they ever were, or could be, apart.

~*~

"I wanted to mention something."

She looks down at her notes and sees the names on the post-it.

"This is our fifth press briefing since midnight, and obviously there's one story that's gonna be dominating the news around the world for the next few days."

She takes a breath and steadies herself. She can do this.

"And it would be easy to think that President Bartlet, Joshua Lyman... ."

She can't do it. She can't say his name. Twelve hours later and the fear that gripped her in the hospital as she stood before the curtain blocking him from her view, still has hold of her.

"...and Stephanie Abbott were the only people who were victims of a gun crime last night. They weren't. Mark Davis and Sheila Evans of Philadelphia were killed by a gun last night. He was a biology teacher and she was a nursing student. Tina Bishop and Belinda Larkin were killed with a gun last night. They were twelve. There were thirty-six homicides last night. Four hundred and eighty sexual assaults, three thousand, four hundred and eleven robberies, three thousand six hundred and eighty-five aggravated assaults. All at gun point. And if anyone thinks those crimes could've been prevented if the victims themselves had been carrying guns, I'd only remind you that the President of the United States was shot last night... ."

Her back straightens and she feels her shoulders square of their own volition. She couldn't say his name. She couldn't say out loud that he had been hurt. But, she can do this. She can speak of him with the pride she's been trying to hide for months now.

"...while surrounded by the best trained armed guards in the history of the world."

She sees Danny and Leo leave. She finishes the rest of the briefing and feels lighter than she has in hours. She did something for him, however small. And Josh is coming off bypass. She stops quickly by her office and grabs her purse. She's going to the hospital. And maybe, just maybe this day will turn around.

~*~

She turns the corner and sees him. He watches her eyes widen. They both know that this it. They have to talk about this and he won't let her hide from him again. Toby squeezes her shoulder has he continues on. Ron nods in reply to his "hello". She knows that she can't run from this conversation anymore, but she's damned if they're going to do it in the hallway of GW. He follows her eyes as they search for a room. He trails behind her as they come to the room the staff has being using to keep in touch with the White House. They both watch as Sam silently leaves them alone and closes the door.

"Ron, I don't... ."

"CJ, look at me. Look at me and tell me this... us, that we're not worth fighting for. Tell me that we're not worth it."

"Well, let's not beat around the bush, shall we?"

The small laugh they share seems to air out the room considerably. And her sigh is not mournful, for a change.

"CJ, I love you. And I know you love me."

Her voice is small and his heart constricts.

"I do love you, Ron. I do. But... ."

"No. No 'buts'. That's all we need. We love each other. How can you let go of that?"

"I was terrified. Okay? I was scared to death when Leo told me. I thought for sure you were dead. Even when he said that it was just your hand. And I had to force myself to walk down that hall. I don't know if I could do that again."

"I would tell you that you won't ever have to. But, we both know that I would be lying. I have no idea what will happen. And neither of us has any control. But, you were right, it was an act of madmen. Are you going to let them win?"

She shrugs. She doesn't have the energy for this. She doesn't want to tell him that it's over. But she doesn't want to be this afraid again. It's not fair to him. She sits in one of the chairs. She eyes him wearily as he crouches before her.

"You wanna know what the worst part of this thing was for me? The thing that I've been holding onto all night?"

He doesn't wait for a reply. He knows that she's shutting him out. And so he continues on before she's tuned him out completely.

"It was you, CJ. You were the worst thing. Not because I was afraid for you. But, because I forgot about you."

She lowers her chin and looks at him.

"I was so caught up doing my job that I never once considered what you were going through. It wasn't until we got here and I was going in for an x-ray that I remembered to see if you were even alive."

"You were doing your job. And, you did it well."

"But what does that say about me? Or how much I love you? And I've been feeling guilty about it. Just like you've been feeling guilty for worrying about me."

"I didn't... . Why would... ?"

"You know I'm right. This hasn't been all about your fear of losing me, and you know it. You've been afraid of needing me. And you've been afraid of what I would do if I found out. Just like I was sure that if you knew I hadn't thought about you when the bullets started flying, that you would leave me. But we're wrong. Both of us."

She looks away from him and considers his words. She knows that he's right, That they have both been so consumed with second guessing what the other might do, that they forgot this isn't who they are.

"I'm still scared."

"And, I'm still so incredibly mortified at the thought of what could have happened to you."

His knees are starting to protest. But he refuses to lose this connection with her. He has bared his soul, and he needs her to soothe it.

She knows that she has never been this vulnerable with anyone in her life. And she knows that's because it's never been worth it before.

"I don't know if I can do this Ron."

He exhales and stands. He doesn't know what else to do. He feels more defeated than he did when he realized that the President had been shot. He turns and is surprised by the hand on his thigh, stopping him.

"But, I'm willing to try."

He turns and grabs her out of the chair. Their kiss is hungry, but not from passion. It is need and want and reassurance. It's about their flaws and their fears. It's about the future they know is fragile, and the love that they have both finally realized is resilient enough for both their mistakes. He holds her tighter than he ever has before. She leans on him more than she's ever let herself before. Finally, she steps back. The corner of her mouth upturned slightly. He laughs at her and takes her hand.

She has another briefing soon where she'll be able to say that Josh has come through the surgery. He has a new rotation to put together and a "no comment" to give the press. And they have the foundation of this life together to shore up. There are cracks to mend. But it seems pretty solid from where they're standing. And they think it just might survive whatever storms may come their way. Together, they leave the room.

The End


End file.
